These hours were the toughest!! Because I felt so crappy leaving the house was not an option. I tried napping. I tried reading. Nada. But I did spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. And angry. Angry that I’m sad. I haven’t felt sad since my divorce 9 years ago. Wine always worked to take away pain & sadness.
So – I got back in the shower at 4 and cried so no one could hear. I cried because I was sad. I didn’t drink. Pardon me if I’m not very excited about this. After 35 years of drinking this isn’t going to be fun.
Last week before the breakup, I bought myself some nail polish as a reward for not drinking. I decided I would get to use that reward again since I had to start over.
My reward for being sober didn’t end up being the nail polish. It ended up being a smile.
One thing I have added to my life recently is playing music while I shower. I love it. So I got in the shower with a Pandora Country station on, and sure enough both songs that play are sad love songs. I thought why not just sing my song “She’s crying in the shower and shaving her legs for no one since he broke up.” As I get out of the shower finally an upbeat song comes on. Great, the new one by Little Big Town “Day Drinking.” Sheesh – that’s what got me to this point yesterday when I started drinking wine at noon.
I put on my pj’s at 4:30 in the afternoon, closed the blinds and started painting my nails. I didn’t want to and it didn’t feel like a reward. I did however remember painting my nails while drinking wine. They would look so good – until the next day and there would be polish everywhere on my fingers & they would be all messed up from crawling drunkenly to bed with wet nails. So I said a little prayer of gratitude that I was not drinking today.
The reward for these awful 4 hours was simply a moment or two that I smiled and didn’t cry.
Only about an hour or so until I go to bed between 7 and 8. I’m exhausted, still feel sick & headachy. But in anticipation of making it through the day I have warm clean sheets to put on my bed. That feels like a lovely reward for Day One.