Woke up Thursday morning to old boyfriend is now in a “relationship.” Of course he is, its been a couple days since we were through. Sooo…..(I’m totally stealing this line) I drank at him. Then my ex mother in law calls and explains that she comes to town every month & its too bad I don’t make her feel welcome and that’s why she hasn’t seen the kids in a year. So I drank at her. The ex hasn’t seen my 15 year old in a year and a half. (He lives down the street with his new family.) So I drank at him.
Friday was not good. Oh and I forgot 3 conversations with friends that I really felt I should talk to after 2 bottles of wine. Thanfully, they are friends and know I’m trying to quit drinking, and will just give me crap about it with love.
What did I learn this time? Drinking at someone is a waste of my energy. Taking my power back on Friday was much more productive and healing.
What reward did I miss? I bought wine instead of a BIG reward. I chose harming myself instead of kindness.
What if I had rewarded myself with a huge bouquet of flowers? I like that thought. The bigger the hurt the more flowers I get! It would help me define how ” big” the hurt is, and it would remind me that flowers and hurts are brightest & freshest & strongest smelling at first. With a weeks time the flowers fade & it will be a reminder that my pain will fade with time. Some parts of the pain fade sooner and other parts of the pain last longer. Pulling out the faded flowers & rearranging the brightest stems will remind me that I am different because of the pain, but I can lose a part of myself and still be beautiful and complete.
My new intention is: When I get hurt- treat myself with a proportionate amount of flowers.