I needed time off. My boss asked when I would be back. Jan 5th. 3 weeks. I came home and felt that tremor of peace. I was so excited I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t wait to start my time off and I happily plotted and planned my upcoming “in home spa/ self care weeks”. At 6:24 am my boss called and her mother had died in her sleep that night. I got ready to go to work.
I hadn’t dated in years. I got a text message from the last guy I dated, who I had really liked, asking how I was. He told me later that he had thought he was texting someone else but God sent me instead. For two and a half months it was wonderful. Then he quit calling and wouldn’t answer my calls. I woke up and saw on FB he was in a relationship as of that morning. An old girlfriend resurfaced. He texted me a few weeks later asking me about good wine. He had started drinking after 26 years sober.
My family came for Thanksgiving. After they left there was a picture of my nephew with a birthday cake. His birthday had happened when they were at my house and no one said anything. They kept it a secret. I asked my Mom about it and she said I should have known. Two weeks later I told her how much that had hurt. She said it didn’t happen and that I must have been drunk. I wasn’t. Not at all.
This Thursday I went to work and said if I don’t have time off I will not be returning to work. My boss said it wasn’t her fault her mom died. I said I have been there for the last 3 years for all of the staff. Everyone had a death, an illness, an accident and I had been there covering for them all. I realized that there will always be another thing that happens. There will not be time for me. No one will take over and do my job while I’m away.
I don’t matter to other people. But I like myself. I am hurting. I am going to take care of myself. Day 3.