I tallied up my treat rewards last week. Shooting for three a day, I did 18/21. Best week ever. My house chores, bills and work to-do’s were awful, like 2/15 each.
This is great for me personally 🙂 but today I have to go back to real life. Even if I was doing my dream job of owning a fishing resort in northern Minnesota, I would still have to have real life chores. (Though digging night crawlers after a warm summer rain is hardly work.)
I will say it for the millionth time, taking an extended period off, with enough sober tools, was the best. I have been fighting this for almost 3 years. Literally every single day I would wake up and write in my journal (and Belle if the shame wasn’t too bad) DAY 1 or 2. 2 only because I was super hungover. Day 3? Maybe a handful of times. Day 4 almost never. So Day 18?!? Are you kidding me?
My family doesn’t drink so I didn’t grow up with it, but my father was an angry, irrational man. My friends were so afraid of him that they quit asking me to do things. By the time I left high school I had no close friend. Drinking was a way to fit in and be cool. I just never stopped drinking. As I kept drinking I kept picking jobs that kept me isolated and didn’t challenge me. I remember once thinking how can I do this career and drink? I couldn’t, so I gave up that career path.
Drinking has stolen so many of my dreams. I can’t believe how full of cool thoughts and ideas I have had these last few days. The first few days it was scary. I responded on one bloggers site, ” What if I start doing all this great stuff and then I relapse? I don’t want to be stuck with twice as much stuff to do!” I think tha’s a fair concern. Those fears get less every day but they still make my chest tight if I dwell on it.
So back to Monday and fear. I have tried to buikd some tools for this crazy work time. Mon – Fri working on 3 goals for the day. If they get done, 15 things get accomplised. If not, analyzing on Friday if I didn’t schedule well, got dreailed or wasn’t realistic. I anticipate my work goals going well if I keep it to 3. I tend to try for too many goals in one day.
But the sober treats – do I have enough skill yet to keep those going while working? That’s my big fear.