Day 22 – Scratching the Surface

Standard

I would like ‘not drinking’ to solve all my problems.

Situations that made me angry before I quit drinking, still make me angry. My anger is more focused and I am not writing it off due to ‘maybe I’m just hungover and cranky’. This is a little scary. No….this is a lot scary.

All of a sudden I am not so willing to accept crap. I see my decisions having value and don’t want to compromise my feelings.

When the blizzard started yesterday most of us decided on our own to get the heck out and get home! One of the staff, called the boss for permission to leave. The boss asked her to please wait until 5. She did and ended up sleeping at the office last night because she couldn’t get out.

She asked permission for a life threatning experience. When she attempted to try to drive home she went in the ditch and luckily was able to drive out and make it back to the office. I am thankful that she was prepared. She keeps an air mattress, toothbrush, clean shirt & deodorant in her car. But still….When we rely on someone else to make decisions on how our life should go we need to be prepared. Especially when we ask for permission from someone who has no empathy.

My drinking mind has made me question my own good decisions and allowed someone else to choose my path. I think of men I’ve dated, old bosses, my family, alcohol. I asked them all for help. All had a different agenda for me. 

Without alcohol, I am rather angry at how I have given away my power. I accepted life as it was and drank to get away from it. Now I am seeing an exciting new world of choices. Things I want and believe in and that craving to get away  from life is leaving.

Treat thoughts:

  • Problems aren’t solved by drinking or being prepared for bad experiences. Problems are avoided when I follow my own heart. Treats, rewards and self-care keep my heart strong.
  • I am recognizing more of my internal dialogue. “You can’t eat/do that because_______”. Its the “because” part that needs examination, not the ” can’t eat cookies for breakfast or leave work in a crisis” part.
  • Yes  my dear self, its freaking scary to start questioning. Go fix one or two of our friends – Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired – and check back with me in the morning.
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