I wouldn’t be here right now without taking time off the first few weeks. Almost every day at work is a huge challenge to not drink at the end.
When everyone races to greet me at night, the instinct to push them away is getting less. Taking care of staff and clients all day plus the morning routine of family wipes me out. Walking through the door at night I just want to scream “leave me alone!” Drinking let me interact longer. Not drinking is harder because my edges are sharper.
My evening at home might only last 45 minutes before I have to go to bed. And those are emotionally the worst minutes of the day. Exhausted and cranky, are right now, all I can offer. But, I am not drinking. I am creating new routines that I hope will get easier with time. Sometimes I wish my kids had another parent to help, but mostly I’m thankful to be single and not have to deal with one more human who needs something from me.
So, where are my treats? I have no idea. This is supposed to be a blog about me understanding how to reward and treat myself without alcohol. Sigh… listening to books on CD was great, but now one is stuck in the player and it’s the library’s copy. Now it’s another problem not a reward. Fun coffee was a reward until I have over used coffee to become necessary. I am drinking two cups every morning which isn’t a big deal but it’s a change in the wrong direction. My body is so tight with stress that when I did the arthritis yoga on Gaiman TV the old people had more mobility than me. I can’t even do the 10 minute yoga stretch for normal people.
But, even though I want to, I haven’t had a drink. The thought of waking up and feeling worse and having a hangover is too much. (Yeah, cuz I wouldn’t have one drink, duh.) So for now, my rewards are double negatives. Don’t drink then I don’t feel bad.