Self Help Junkie

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I have always loved self-help books. Every read is one more door opening in the confusion of the brain.

Discovering Ted Talks was like reading the best chapter from a self help book and you get to hear it in the author’s voice. There is no financial commitment so I can browse all I want without the bookstore people glaring at me.

The blogging community has become my latest obsession in self-help. The blog posts are the writers AhHa moments. The best emotions and explanations of their day, week or month.

Sometimes I enjoy the science behind the theory, but I usually skip that part in the self help books. My favorite part is always the anonymous person who the author uses as an example.

This is what I love about Ted Talks and blogs. The real life stories behind the ideas that change lives.

Treat thoughts for today:

  • Need to stock up on some food treats at the store.
  • Tide pods with Febreeze make the best smelling sheets!
  • Followed lots of new people in the blog world.

Daily Blogging

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When I stopped daily blogging at day 42 I was concerned that I might start drinking. I made it to day 45. I mean, yeah! longest time ever! But boo, cuz I messed up.

There was no time to write. Fatal error for my sobriety.

I know I battle some OLD TAPES:

  • Everyone else is working overtime, I should too or they will be resentful.
  • If I leave early no one will able to do my job.
  •  I’m not special, I shouldn’t get special treatment.

NEW TAPES:

  • Drinking too much is deadly. This is a health issue.
  • Look at the others who are doing too much at work. Of those on overtime – ALL – have health issues from lack of self care.
  • None of the others are single moms right now. I need to protect myself to raise my kids.

What I noticed by writing it out, is the old tapes are focused on what others think of me. It is also pressure I only put on myself and not truly what others think of me.

Reward Ideas:

  • Go to work late ( which is actually ontime but I go early) sooo later than normal and walk this morning.
  • Do the 10 minute yoga session.
  • Start listening to the Belle Sober Jumpstart podcasts again.
  • Listen to The Bubble Hour.

Decorah Eagles

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We leave the live eagle stream running all weekend long. Pip 21 has just hatched and 22 is almost here. My son just realised the eagles are in Iowa where we live. Decorah is couple hours away but suddenly they are “our eagles.”

My problem with alcohol is also “our problem.” From now to forever my kids will associate mom drinking wine or mom trying to NOT drink wine with “our family.” How sad.

In our family story we will also, always and forever, have autism, speech disorders, cancer and divorce. Though tough, none of these issues were my choice.

I do feel however, that drinking is  my choice. I can quit drinking but I can’t undo that part of our family story. I will be remembered as a mom who had a problem with alcohol.

I need to grieve that a bit. Then I need to keep moving forward.

My son just called me in. As mom and dad changed places on the nest we watched as Pip 22 struggled to get the rest of it’s shell off. 21 got fed and then the last egg and the pips were tucked under the eagle for a nap.

Our family story is still being written. I want to make it a good one.

Re-Read & Re-Do

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I just re-read all my blog posts, my treat pages and word of the year page.  I seriously LOVE my job, but overtime has robbed my ME time. I am falling back into bad habits. I love that girl who doesn’t drink and treats herself. This girl now is happy, but is missing joy and discovery.

HELLO – Treats where are you!?!

Treat Ideas:

  • Wash those sheets!  Make the bed! Fluff the pillows!
  • Go to bed early & read. I am going to re-read The Secret Garden. One of my childhood treasures. I want to create my own secret garden in my yard this summer.
  • It’s Saturday. No work, okay a few phone calls, but not putting on a bra or changing out of stretch pants. Going to plot and plan and dream today. Going to get a week’s worth of 3 treats a day written down in the day planner.  Note to self: “doing” is not a treat. Remember baking cookies – not treat. Buying special cookies – treat.

Sober Garden

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I just read that sobriety is like tending a garden. My real garden outside is a mess and I feel that way too.

I love this analogy though. I have created many gardens in different places. Starting with nothing and creating a spot of beauty.

My garden outside is ravaged from winter and my sober garden feels the same way from work. It’s going to take some time, sore muscles and a few sunburns to get things cleaned up.

I want it to be pretty now, but that’s not how gardens grow.

I could buy a few annuals and stick them in pots, but they don’t last. My sober efforts feel like that. Good enough for now but not a strong perennial.

A good garden just needs a little water and weeding every day. I have neglected my poor little sober garden. No water and choked with weeds.

Time to uncover myself, just a little bit everyday. Not too flashy too fast, but give myself some time to develop strong roots.

Back From Overtime!

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When tax season is at its peak, everything goes away but work. Finally last week my 12 year old lost it 3 times in two days. He was struggling with late homework, poor grades and high frustration.

Today is my first Saturday off work. I picked my son up from the bus stop 4 days this week. I am getting back to a more normal life.

I will get back to writing soon.