Ego says ” Once everything falls into place I will feel peace.”
Spirit says ” Feel peace and everything falls into place.”
Oh my, this is so me! I try to oganize my way to peace and happiness. Granted I do feel temporary peace when I’m organized, but I can see the problem here. Organization is external. It is a set of rules that I place on myself, is placed upon me or I place on others.
I think “relief” may be a better description of how I feel when organized. It creates an artificial wall that says “there – now nothing can shake up my world.” I can see the ego here. I am trying to control so I can prevent problems.
Words ending in -tion reflect doing. Peace is a state of being.
I feel such fear to let go of control. It makes my chest tight & itchy and I want to scream. So, obviously I have hit a nerve within myself. Sometimes I get real tired of this sobriety stuff. It doesn’t take away the feeling of wanting to rip my lungs out. Alcohol does though.
I did discover in therapy last summer that the scratchy itchy feeling in my chest is called panic. In my mind I can only remember a couple times of what I would call true panic in my life. Being locked up by some kids, my baby falling down the steps, a car accident, cancer.
I am not a person with panic. I am the one to help people with their panic. Driving them to the hospital or helping them get meds or some therapy arranged. I am the one people call at work because I solve problems and don’t get upset. I don’t panic.
Finding out that one of my drinking reasons was “panic” was crazy. Then I went back and read my journal. Wow. After some time spent not drinking I can easily see the panic.
So now I have to figure out this “organized does not equal peace” tight scratchy chest feeling. Thanks sobriety! Ha I could drink over this feeling or I can sit with it a while. One way will give me fake peace and the other will lead to happiness and true peace. So again, Thanks sobriety! for giving me clarity.
- Yin yoga & meditation
- Bubble Hour show on ego
- Spend time at the library today