My Give a Crap Is Broken

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I am going through a lovely time of “I don’t give a crap.” Dishes and old takeout pizza boxes are still at the sink. My paperwork is piled on the dining room table and there are crumbs everywhere by the boys favorite chair for xbox playing.

It is the last few days of school for the boys. I have to work today even though I am not well yet. But … in a couple days we will be wrapping up all these loose ends. Done with school, done with work, some energy to get the house cleaned up.

I am looking forward to getting my thoughts, my papers, my schedule back in my appointment book and back under control.

When “drinking Lori” felt like this, I fought it so hard. I labeled myself a failure and bad mother. I couldn’t see past the immediate chaos. “Not drinking Lori” is very calm and just doesn’t seem to give a crap in the same time frame.

When I drank time seemed to be so precious. I wanted to slow it down. Now the days seem long and lazy. There isn’t a feeling of – if I don’t do it now it will never happen. I am starting to see – if it’s important it will happen. Letting go of expectations and trying to control outcomes.

Balance. Yep. But my “not drinking life” is feeling a lot less urgent.

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One thought on “My Give a Crap Is Broken

  1. The excess time in early sobriety is both a blessing and a curse, I feel… haha. It’s wonderful not to feel rushed all the time, and yet boredom is a trigger for me. But you’re absolutely right… letting go of expectations helps immensely. And knowing that the mess will still be there tomorrow and we can clean it whenever we damn well like :).

    Liked by 1 person

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