This is what I have been chasing. The chance to be done.
Done drinking, done with mess, done with apathy.
Purging out my clothes drawers (the KonMari way) has been so cathartic. What a huge amount of emotions went with the items I had been storing. The tools of sobriety have made it possible to physically handle and thank the clothes, shoes, purses, lingerie and coats that I have kept in drawers.
Love, hope, dreams, relationships – it was astonishing the amount of memories. Being strong enough to touch, remember, thank, bless and then let my belongings move on. Giving the items the dignity and grace to either complete their journey or continue to a new owner.
I am tearful just thinking about it. Acknowledging my things, my actions and emotions surrounding them, the act of letting go.
I have sorted and purged faithfully twice a year. I am not one who keeps lots of “stuff”. The vast amount that I blessed and thanked and sent forward was surprising. As the book indicated almost all who do this, experience a physical detox. As I was sorting, my eyes were crying, I had to lay down because I was dizzy and I had diarrhea. My body was releasing.
All this confirmed I was doing the next right thing.
I do not want to carry unhealed memories into my new sober life. I don’t want them hidden in drawers just waiting to catch me off guard each spring and fall when I clean again. I don’t want to put them back in the drawer because I can’t deal with the emotions.
I knew this place of peace with my things was there. Just as I have gathered my sober tools to help keep me from drinking, I have been on a mission to get and stay organised. I thought that if I had enough time I could get it all done. What I didn’t understand was, it is not about storage, it’s about release.
In the past, my spring and fall sorting led to great amounts of alcohol to deal with the memories, the lost dreams, the waste of money on unworn items. This time, there is a feeling of expanse, of making room, in my largely empty drawers and in my chest. I did not store one single item of clothing. Everything is in it’s place where I can see it, touch it and thank it for it’s service.
I have learned in the book that my children should not outgrow their feelings of attachment to objects. Innatimate does not equal without purpose and place within the universe. It is all connected. My job is to role model value and care. To appreciate and honor the things that serve us.
I have been chasing this feeling. I knew it was out there. I am thankful to be here.