I Need To Be Here

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This is what I have been chasing. The chance to be done.

Done drinking, done with mess, done with apathy.

Purging out my clothes drawers (the KonMari way) has been so cathartic. What a huge amount of emotions went with the items I had been storing. The tools of sobriety have made it possible to physically handle and thank the clothes, shoes, purses, lingerie and coats that I have kept in drawers.

Love, hope, dreams, relationships – it was astonishing the amount of memories. Being strong enough to touch, remember, thank, bless and then let my belongings move on. Giving the items the dignity and grace to either complete their journey or continue to a new owner.

I am tearful just thinking about it. Acknowledging my things, my actions and emotions surrounding them, the act of letting go.

I have sorted and purged faithfully twice a year. I am not one who keeps lots of “stuff”. The vast amount that I blessed and thanked and sent forward was surprising. As the book indicated almost all who do this, experience a physical detox. As I was sorting, my eyes were crying, I had to lay down because I was dizzy and I had diarrhea. My body was releasing.

All this confirmed I was doing the next right thing.

I do not want to carry unhealed memories into my new sober life. I don’t want them hidden in drawers just waiting to catch me off guard each spring and fall when I clean again. I don’t want to put them back in the drawer because I can’t deal with the emotions.

I knew this place of peace with my things was there. Just as I have gathered my sober tools to help keep me from drinking, I have been on a mission to get and stay organised. I thought that if I had enough time I could get it all done. What I didn’t understand was, it is not about storage, it’s about release.

In the past, my spring and fall sorting led to great amounts of alcohol to deal with the memories, the lost dreams, the waste of money on unworn items. This time, there is a feeling of expanse, of making room, in my largely empty drawers and in my chest. I did not store one single item of clothing. Everything is in it’s place where I can see it, touch it and thank it for it’s service.

I have learned in the book that my children should not outgrow their feelings of attachment to objects. Innatimate does not equal without purpose and place within the universe. It is all connected. My job is to role model value and care. To appreciate and honor the things that serve us.

I have been chasing this feeling. I knew it was out there. I am thankful to be here.

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6 thoughts on “I Need To Be Here

  1. So yesterday I hit the bookshelves hard, getting rid of some books that I’d only read halfway or that I told myself “one day I’ll get to this. One day.”

    I started to realize that each book that I’d held off reading represented the person that I thought I “ought” to be, but secretly had no interest in. Sophisticated Liz SHOULD be reading “The Fountainhead”, but she really just wants to re-read every single book in her tattered Chronicles of Narnia collection.

    Just as I’d assembled my massive box of DONATE books, guess what happens? My dad comes in with a box of my old stuff he’d found in the storage unit! MORE BOOKS. I acted grateful but I wanted to cry.

    You’re right, this is such an exhausting process. Truly taxing. I’m taking a break from it today, because I’m emotionally drained. I know I’ll be happy in the long run though :).

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    • I agree. I don’t even want to go to the library for an easy read. I am finding so much comfort in re-reading my old books. Your new box of books could all be donated based on the fact you didn’t even remember them. (I think that is from the second chapter about gathering stuff.) I am on my second reading of the KonMari book!! Lol

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      • Holy cow, you flew through that QUICK! I downloaded the audio version, which isn’t something I usually do, but I wanted something to listen to during my morning run. So I’m not quite so far yet, because I listen in chunks. You’ve got me wishing I would’ve just bought the Kindle version though! Ah, well, gives me motivation to exercise at least!!

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  2. I love this! I really want to purge and do the same but my husband is a pack rat and wants to fight with me over every single item I want to let go of. I know how much better I feel when I can see things I love and appreciate instead of them being hidden under other old junk that serves me no purpose and hides what really matters to me. Alcohol is the same way, old shit covering up beautiful things we love and appreciate. Much love to you Lori, hang in there and I’ve been thinking of you

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    • The advice in the book says we must start with our own stuff. I want sooo bad to touch my kids stuff! Now that I started my own I see her wisdom. She also talks about not letting our loved ones see the stuff we get rid of šŸ˜‰ I have been thinking of you too!!

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