Gearing up for vacation used to be a battle about perfection. Packing exactly what we need. Thinking of every little detail and the angst if I forgot something.
Then I would drink to offset the stress, then worry how much I was drinking so I could get enough sleep to drive the next day. It didn’t seem to matter if I had no drinks or a few. My sleep was stil bad and I just got through.
The last few days I have come to understand that because of the amount I was drinking, I was having withdrawl symptoms on the nights I didn’t drink. There was no physical way that I could get correct sleep even if I didn’t drink before travel. I recognized that, but not the WHY of it. (In other words – might as well drink then.)
Being a single mom and taking kids on a vacation is different. Next time you go on a family vacation check out the single parent families. What? You don’t see any? Exactly. I usually go on vacation with my brother, his wife, their 3 kids and my mom. When my boys were little, it was really a necessity for me to have help and to mentally brave all those two parent familes.
Now at 13 (in 3 days!) and 15, my little family has found our way. We are getting ready to go to Jellystone for 3 days. I could not have arranged this vacation for us if I was still drinking. My confidence and risk level have greatly increased since not drinking.
Before I would have worried so much about getting sleep so I could drive without a hangover. Today, not at all. It is really sad for me to see how difficult I made my life by drinking. I didn’t know any better. Thank goodness for all The Bubble Hour podcasts on shame. I am not alone and I can forgive myself because of brave, strong women who are not afraid to tell their stories.
We are getting packed today and “perfect” is no where to be found. My oldest doesn’t have a swim suit that fits. My thought is – meh, we’ll just stop at a walmart on the way. Who is this person? Hello, calm relaxed me!