Still Frustrated

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So many thoughts of drinking are running through my head. I know if I start I will fall quickly back to where I was and right now that sounds like a relief!

I am catching the thoughts and stopping them as soon as I can. The problem is the thought of drinking is popping up SO much. It’s annoying.  Like a pesky fly that I bat away, it keeps coming back in a different spot. I have this urge in my chest to scream, but if I let go I know I won’t stop screaming.

My self-care is good. Getting enough sleep, a little ice cream reward every day, walking the dog most mornings. Kind, gentle stuff. New cute hair cut & highlights. Clothes are comfortable after losing a couple pounds. All good on that front.

Maybe it’s my expectation that I should be done with the hard stuff. I don’t want to think about drinking, or if I do it should be fleeting. It feels like the beginning again and I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to work this hard at it at almost two months later.

So there.

Don’t care if I “shouldn’t” be feeling like this. I do.

So there.

(I’m curious who I am arguing with here. Shut up voices in my head – lol!)

What advice would I give a friend telling me this?

Probably even more self-care. Take some time off work.

What?! Your boss said you could have time off in April, May & June and then she said you couldn’t cuz stuff came up for her. Then she promised July and you even said you would go on unemployment but still work Mondays cuz your the only one who does payrolls for clients. And now she tells you that they are taking an extended vacation for the first two weeks of July and after that could you be on call so she can go with her daughter for infertility treatments? But then you can take some time, I promise.

Girlfriend, I think I am sensing some anger here! Could this be why you feel like screaming? And drinking?

HALT – so this is what undiagnosed anger feels like. I don’t like it. I want a drink to make it stop. I want to feel like a “good girl” who works hard and helps others willingly. Who is grateful to have a wonderful job.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of working this hard at not drinking.

Day 50 Treats

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Besides the star stickers in my daily planner I needed to get some 50 day treats. It had been a rough time of it.

I made one kid, any kid, go to the big city (haha) with me. One very reluctuntly volunteered. The closest town that has a home improvement store is 45 minutes away. I knew I could not be alone again and needed the company.

I have been taking one kid shopping with me so I don’t get alcohol. And it was a good thing. By the time we ended our day getting groceries before heading home, we were both tired.

I stopped the cart and looked down the alcohol aisle. I swear they must keep those things dusted and polished. The whole aisle sparkled and glowed with beautiful colors. This is embarrassing, but I moaned out loud. It took all my strength to keep walking. The kid I was with would give me the most grief if I got alcohol and I knew it.

He was my safety net yesterday. Last Saturday, my other son was.

Sober Treats:

  • Coffee
  • Chocolates
  • Licorice (Twizzlers) – a must for the long car ride
  • Frozen fancy dinners – there is no such thing as “meatless” where I live. The “big city” has meatless and vegan food!

The Day 50 That Almost Wasn’t

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The story ended at Day 45 last time. Then it took 5 more months to get it back.

The ten days between 40 & 50 days have been hard. Too hard to even talk about. No crisis. Just regular life, on the downish side of life’s ups and downs.

Hard in the sense of alcohol cravings. I don’t want them. Not the alcohol or the cravings.

I wanted some more calm and happy, some more time to gather strength to face the cravings. And I really didn’t want to reach out to talk about it.

Why? …I dunno…Just cuz…

See, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. Cuz…I just don’t know.

Know what I mean?

My 40 Day Treats

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I decided to embrace ice cream. I have been having guilty thoughts about enjoying it. Through my diet I have been eating just one serving, but the thought of light ice cream just seemed pointless. So, when Mr. Schwan’s delivery man showed up he had my FOUR awesome new ice cream flavors! PLUS Bomb pops and cherry & lemon frozen ice flavors.

One serving of full fat bliss EVERY night!

  • Triple chocolate ice cream
  • Coffee & donuts ice cream
  • Strawberry lemonade ice cream
  • Orange sherbet/vanilla ice cream blend

I have changed from wine addiction to an outrageous ice cream addiction. I now scour all the frozen confections for the most exotic flavors. I used to walk past the ice cream aisle with great feelings of superiority. Now I am elbowing people out of the way to get some Chunky Monkey! And don’t even get me started Mr. Stephen Colbert with your AmeriCone Dream.

My boys are very pleased with my new obsession and are completely supportive. They hated me smelling of wine.  I hear no complaints when I hug them good night with ice cream breath 😉

Day 40

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Getting there. Slowly.

I was not a social drinker. My family growing up didn’t drink.

I much preferred to drink at home. I didn’t like to waste my precious few vacations or special dining outs. I wanted to enjoy every minute.

That feeling of not wanting to waste the moment by drinking is starting to show up at home now.

Finally.

Stronger Not Weaker

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“My desire to drink is getting stronger not weaker.” Sadly the paragraphs before this referenced myself saying I nedded to address my work hours.

Now, at the same amount of sober time I can gladly say that the desire to drink is very weak and getting weaker! And guess what? I fixed the work problem and ta da… it helped.

I don’t think being sober would have fixed my work problem. I think fixing my work problem gave me the freedom to fix my drinking problem. When I do too much I want to drink.

Yesterday I started cleaning at 4:00 am. I finished at 11:00. It was the city wide cleanup so from 12-3 we hauled junk from the garage to the dump. Then a quick shower and went to the grocery store. Home at 6. All of a sudden this thought of a glass of wine popped in my head. Great job today! You worked hard and got a lot done!

I recognized that thought. I knew if I let if fester it would lead to drinking. No! Stop! I got some supper and a movie and ice cream and I stopped. I stopped the thought, I stopped moving and I got my head thinking in another direction.

It was a very small thought of drinking and I did not let it continue. Before I was letting my thoughts run the show. I could not get them to shut up. My thoughts became actions. Now, my thoughts are just a thought. When I stop, I may choose to act, or I may choose to sit and eat ice cream instead.

That ice cream is good stuff!

The Relapse Review

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I was first upset that I couldn’t stay sober by writing a blog. Now I’m thankful. I get to go back and review what was working and triggers I should watch.

Work, dadgumit, is a trigger. Cleaning my house is not. Bummer.

Work less, clean more? I think not!

Efficiency, though, is the key to both.

Instead of hauling my laptop to all four offices this week, I left it. Got all my work entered in the planner and had a quiet day not doing busy work on the laptop. I felt great leaving the office.

My KonMari sorting at home is beginning to pay off. My goal of gutting my house by the end of summer will happen. I do not have the resentment of a crazy to-do list of cleaning when I get home. When I sit at night I truly relax.

Last time in sobriey, at this point I had gone to buy wine twice. The next time I went I bought it.

I’m grateful that I keep putting in the work of looking for my answer to stay sober. I can’t  stay sober for anyone else. This is for me. The more I learn about what makes me feel good, the more I do it. Being nice to myself equals more sober days.

Efficiency in work and cleaning mean less of both. Right now in my sober world I like doing a lot of nothing.

Jealousy & Anger

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A couple of my biggest triggers showed up yesterday. Driving by a newly built home, I imagined that should have been my family.  I was jealous and angry.

Then my thoughts went to my ex’s wife. She stole everything I should have had. She stole my husband, they have my business, started a family with no special needs kids, and she drives new cars and remodeled their home. She stole my life. And he let her.

In my community I have been called immoral because I’m divorced. Yet he is a lauded member of the community, even though he cheated with the town whore and then married her. Her family has businesses in town so they are well connected.

At work, I keep asking for time off and it’s always, Sure, next week. Next week never seems to come. There is just one more thing.

Triggers. All this stuff makes me want to hide in the house until the feelings go away. Put on my big girl self-esteem panties. Tell myself that I’m good just where my life is at and count my many blessings. Boy, that gets old.

There is a very viable part of me that wants someone to be stronger than me. I would like a chance to not have to be strong for a while. I have not met a man who can take care of me. They have all done very well taking care of their wives, including my ex. Their outsides all look good. What kind of magic do these women do, that makes these weak guys good caretakers?

So, of course I go to – it must be me.

That is the convoluted thinking that anger and jealousy create In my head. That is what gets me triggered.

So, what do I do to unkink my brain? Mostly nothing. I caught myself going there yesterday. I am really quite tired of telling myself that “poor me – the victim” story. It still shows up but without the fuel of alcohol is quiets down quicker.

I look at the ways I can put some action into changing what bothers me. I could move, get a new job or start dating. Or all three. Or none. Or go to therapy. Or blog about it.

In reality, it is very little about me. These guys are all terrific, even my ex. They found the right fit and that is why it works. I am a good employee so my boss doesn’t want me to take time off. She likes the work I do.

I am a strong person, who sometimes feels sorry for herself. That is all. Sobriety is teaching me that I am not my feelings. I HAVE feelings of anger and jealousy. Sober me can listen to my sad story, acknowledge it, and then put it away. I don’t have to drink to make it stop hurting anymore.

Only 3 Days

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I feel like I haven’t written a sober blog post in a long time. It’s been 3 days. I have been blogging daily but I have been using a different page for my sober weight loss. I’m finding so many ways that I’m battling the same issues in my head.

Throwing alcohol or throwing food at a problem has led me to not fix the problem and then feel shame afterwards. That was interesting.

This is what is working for me right now when I have non-sober thoughts. They are fairly low but I take them seriously and do NOT let my mind even put one little toe down that thinking path. This is the link to Patrick from Spiritual River with Say No to Alcoholic Cravings.

http://www.spiritualriver.com/say-alcoholic-cravings/

The focus on the weight loss is nice for my sobriety. It has become a hobby and is consuming my brain and getting me out of drinking thinking. I feel ‘super awesome’ with my sugars in check. I still eat an ice cream treat EVERY night! With my low blood sugar, the balanced diet during the day keeps my alcohol cravings lower as well. Especially during the long weekend days.

My 30 Day Treats

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I haven’t posted much about rewards and treats lately. I am definitely making them a routine part of my life. Here’s some of the special things I saved up to do on 30 days sober instead of doing just any old day.

  1. Homemade pizza – or as my son says “If I was Gordon Ramsey I would be yelling THIS IS BLOODY GREAT!” Yep, he loves my pizza.
  2. Dole Banana Dippers – chocolate covered frozen bananas
  3. West Side Story – oh my goodness, just thinking about it makes my eyes water. The first notes of the love songs I would start to cry and my son just shook his head. In high school this was our summer musical. I was in the band and got to play 3 different clarinets for the performances. Instead of dancing or singing along, I finger my notes during the music. I have also done Fiddler on the Roof. The stories, the music, the memories. Where were you when watched musicals? I was in the orchestra pit. Every scene, every intermission, the music.