So many thoughts of drinking are running through my head. I know if I start I will fall quickly back to where I was and right now that sounds like a relief!
I am catching the thoughts and stopping them as soon as I can. The problem is the thought of drinking is popping up SO much. It’s annoying. Like a pesky fly that I bat away, it keeps coming back in a different spot. I have this urge in my chest to scream, but if I let go I know I won’t stop screaming.
My self-care is good. Getting enough sleep, a little ice cream reward every day, walking the dog most mornings. Kind, gentle stuff. New cute hair cut & highlights. Clothes are comfortable after losing a couple pounds. All good on that front.
Maybe it’s my expectation that I should be done with the hard stuff. I don’t want to think about drinking, or if I do it should be fleeting. It feels like the beginning again and I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to work this hard at it at almost two months later.
Don’t care if I “shouldn’t” be feeling like this. I do.
(I’m curious who I am arguing with here. Shut up voices in my head – lol!)
What advice would I give a friend telling me this?
Probably even more self-care. Take some time off work.
What?! Your boss said you could have time off in April, May & June and then she said you couldn’t cuz stuff came up for her. Then she promised July and you even said you would go on unemployment but still work Mondays cuz your the only one who does payrolls for clients. And now she tells you that they are taking an extended vacation for the first two weeks of July and after that could you be on call so she can go with her daughter for infertility treatments? But then you can take some time, I promise.
Girlfriend, I think I am sensing some anger here! Could this be why you feel like screaming? And drinking?
HALT – so this is what undiagnosed anger feels like. I don’t like it. I want a drink to make it stop. I want to feel like a “good girl” who works hard and helps others willingly. Who is grateful to have a wonderful job.
But I’m tired. I’m tired of working this hard at not drinking.