A couple of my biggest triggers showed up yesterday. Driving by a newly built home, I imagined that should have been my family. I was jealous and angry.
Then my thoughts went to my ex’s wife. She stole everything I should have had. She stole my husband, they have my business, started a family with no special needs kids, and she drives new cars and remodeled their home. She stole my life. And he let her.
In my community I have been called immoral because I’m divorced. Yet he is a lauded member of the community, even though he cheated with the town whore and then married her. Her family has businesses in town so they are well connected.
At work, I keep asking for time off and it’s always, Sure, next week. Next week never seems to come. There is just one more thing.
Triggers. All this stuff makes me want to hide in the house until the feelings go away. Put on my big girl self-esteem panties. Tell myself that I’m good just where my life is at and count my many blessings. Boy, that gets old.
There is a very viable part of me that wants someone to be stronger than me. I would like a chance to not have to be strong for a while. I have not met a man who can take care of me. They have all done very well taking care of their wives, including my ex. Their outsides all look good. What kind of magic do these women do, that makes these weak guys good caretakers?
So, of course I go to – it must be me.
That is the convoluted thinking that anger and jealousy create In my head. That is what gets me triggered.
So, what do I do to unkink my brain? Mostly nothing. I caught myself going there yesterday. I am really quite tired of telling myself that “poor me – the victim” story. It still shows up but without the fuel of alcohol is quiets down quicker.
I look at the ways I can put some action into changing what bothers me. I could move, get a new job or start dating. Or all three. Or none. Or go to therapy. Or blog about it.
In reality, it is very little about me. These guys are all terrific, even my ex. They found the right fit and that is why it works. I am a good employee so my boss doesn’t want me to take time off. She likes the work I do.
I am a strong person, who sometimes feels sorry for herself. That is all. Sobriety is teaching me that I am not my feelings. I HAVE feelings of anger and jealousy. Sober me can listen to my sad story, acknowledge it, and then put it away. I don’t have to drink to make it stop hurting anymore.