As part of Sober Jumpstart 100 you get 50 podcasts emailed to you every other day and 2 phone calls with Belle. I have done a live group call in with her and one or two other phone calls. This was one of those one on one calls.
She had a bunch of notes by my name and reminded me of some of our other conversations. I had forgotten that last year at exactly this same time, I did my own 100 days with no wine. I still could drink other stuff but it was my own way of transitioning to sobriety. I did do it and day 101 went back to wine until these last 73 days.
That time helped me find my best go-to drink in the evenings. Full sugar caffeine-free cola. And since I’m not fond of too many other drinks I had lots of really good sober nights. It also gave me a feel of the time frame of what 100 days felt like.
She also reminded me about how badly last year I was struggling to leave the house. I had (have) no problem getting in the car and leaving town & doing anything. It was strictly going outside in my yard, getting gas, the doctor, school events, anything involving this small town & the people here.
Watching Extreme Weight Loss yesterday ( and crying, always crying through these) the woman made the comment about her before body. “I was sad. I had zero self value. No self worth. It showed.” THAT is it. My fear of being seen by people who know me. The people of this town watched me get betrayed crushed by his affair. It played out very publicly, in a town that is only 1 mile square with a two block main street and no stop lights.
I remember one mother at day care saying to me, “Wow- you look so good! It gives me the courage to get divorced.” What?!? I was so sick from grief. Yes, I lost weight but I was no role model for divorce. That was horrible and it only cemented the fact that people were watching me, making judgements about how I looked and then coming to a completely incorrect conclusion.
I remember every time I would go the the tiny grocery store and would have to see the girl (she was 21) her mom or dad (my age) my in laws or my ex. In a really small town people go to the grocery store or gas station two or three times a day. It is how they socialize. Then at night, it is either the bar, next door to the grocery, or a school function. There was no escape for me. These people were everywhere. It gives me the creeps even writing about it.
It is 10 years later. I spent last summer in counseling when leaving the house became debilitating. It helped. I learned that my secret drinking was keeping the isolation feelings alive. Not drinking this summer has helped even more.
Last month I could go outside of my house for 5-10 minutes. Now I am walking 3 times around the park in front of my house. I have a gift that I can speak in front of large groups with no stress, like in auditorium size groups. But going outside of my own house is horrible.
In a group setting I am judged on my knowledge. In this small town I am judged by the actions of what someone did to me. And what they see is fat. They see that I haven’t recovered from trauma because they can see the fat.
On the makeover TV show, when the woman said her thoughts on her ‘before’ body, I totally got it. And it’s true! She had to heal some pain, learn new skills and fight back to protect herself from being a victim. It was inspring to see her year long transformation.
I am getting stronger and learning new skills. After 10 years I really need to heal this pain and stop feeling like a victim.