Belle asked me how would I feel at day 150. Twice where I was in days. My first thought was what was the date? She said it didn’t matter. But Belle, but, but, but…..
At different times of the year I am a different person. My job is seasonal, there is the boys’ school year, summer vacation, holidays, what time of the month is it? 15 year old will be 16 & have his drivers license, my insurance will go up, will this be the last year the 13 year old goes trick or treating, if he doesn’t how much candy will I need?
I am a product of what is going on around me. I am a first responder to my life. Assess the overall situation. Prioritize. Plan. Implement. Done! Drink.
She said how would I FEEL on the INSIDE. Not what I was DOING on the OUTSIDE.
Oh, I dunno, umm, I’ve never, uh, gee, hmmmm….. Who has time to think about how I feel? I have stuff to DO!
I’m not ready for my future self. My head goes to “what will be happening around me?” I need to work on “who am I when things happen.”
Will there be a crisis that needs attention? You betcha!
Will I be short on cash? Of course.
Will someone ask me to do one extra thing? Always.
Do I want to give the same response that hasn’t worked well for me? I have years of journals that will give me the scientific proof that what I try to DO isn’t going to work. Too much doing leads to too much drinking.
What do I FEEL like on the inside when I respond to future issues? Is it possible to not feel like everything is a crisis needing a response? Have I learned anything on this sobriety journey or am I just prolonging the inevitable relapse?
This is what I want for day 150:
- Me – comes first. If I ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
- Less – I will channel CoCo Chanel – I will look at the mirror of life and take off one thing. Maybe two or three things if I look all Madonna Material Girlish.
- Homey – stick to my own ground. Keep my feet on my home yoga mat. Cook my own food. Vacuum the floors I walk on. Click my ruby heeled shoes together and mantra, ” There’s no place like home.”
- Write, journal, blog, read – use my words like a big girl.
- Feelings – have a variety to choose from and learn their names. On & Off are not feelings. Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful come in, have a cup of coffee. Let’s talk.
- Put some time into friendships, not to obligations. And in the spirit of a good girlfriend lunch date….
- Eat – the good stuff only. Skim is a 4 letter word. Spend money on good chocolate, the best seasonal fruit, veggies straight from the ground.
This “feels” super right for me. A strong base. Plant my roots even deeper. Quit giving my energy away to those annoying nouns – people, places, things – that I cannot change. I want to be wise and know the difference.