Belle – Part II

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Belle asked me how would I feel at day 150. Twice where I was in days. My first thought was what was the date? She said it didn’t matter. But Belle, but, but, but…..

At different times of the year I am a different person. My job is seasonal, there is the boys’ school year, summer vacation, holidays, what time of the month is it? 15 year old will be 16 & have his drivers license, my insurance will go up, will this be the last year the 13 year old goes trick or treating, if he doesn’t how much candy will I need?

I am a product of what is going on around me. I am a first responder to my life. Assess the overall situation. Prioritize. Plan. Implement. Done! Drink.

She said how would I FEEL on the INSIDE. Not what I was DOING on the OUTSIDE.

Oh, I dunno, umm, I’ve never, uh, gee, hmmmm….. Who has time to think about how I feel? I have stuff to DO!

I’m not ready for my future self. My head goes to “what will be happening around me?” I need to work on “who am I when things happen.”

Will there be a crisis that needs attention? You betcha!

Will I be short on cash? Of course.

Will someone ask me to do one extra thing? Always.

Do I want to give the same response that hasn’t worked well for me? I have years of journals that will give me the scientific proof that what I try to DO isn’t going to work. Too much doing leads to too much drinking.

What do I FEEL like on the inside when I respond to future issues? Is it possible to not feel like everything is a crisis needing a response? Have I learned anything on this sobriety journey or am I just prolonging the inevitable relapse?

This is what I want for day 150:

  • Me – comes first. If I ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
  • Less – I will channel CoCo Chanel –  I will look at the mirror of life and take off one thing. Maybe two or three things if I look all Madonna Material Girlish.
  • Homey – stick to my own ground. Keep my feet on my home yoga mat. Cook my own food. Vacuum the floors I walk on. Click my ruby heeled shoes together and mantra, ” There’s no place like home.”
  • Write, journal, blog, read – use my words like a big girl.
  • Feelings – have a variety to choose from and learn their names.  On & Off are not feelings. Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful come in, have a cup of coffee. Let’s talk.
  • Put some time into friendships, not to obligations. And in the spirit of a good girlfriend lunch date….
  • Eat – the good stuff only. Skim is a 4 letter word. Spend money on good chocolate, the best seasonal fruit, veggies straight from the ground.

This “feels” super right for me. A strong base. Plant my roots even deeper. Quit giving my energy away to those annoying nouns – people, places, things – that I cannot change. I want to be wise and know the difference.

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3 thoughts on “Belle – Part II

  1. Untipsyteacher

    I love that you are talking to Belle!
    Tomorrow you will see my cochlear implant.
    I love how you say you are a first responder to your life!!!
    Good One!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mishedup

    While I understand setting goals and thinking about the future (we have to), in staying sober I am definitely the one day at a time type. If I had ever looked down the road to me today, I would have laughed uproariously. I’m glad my sponsor didn’t push me to look ahead, quite the opposite. My life has been unfolding beautifully, my plans could never have been anything like this.
    The only future goal try in keep in mind is a picture of me sober, and the only way for me to get there is day by day doing what I have learned to do.

    Love your sticker idea!

    Liked by 1 person

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