Day 125 – I Stayed Here

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Through the work of my self-care class and my weight loss coach I am ready to start losing weight again. When my coach gave me permission to “just stay here” it helped. I stayed here and processed my fear. I did NOT gain weight. I did NOT go back to old bad habits. I did NOT relapse.

Losing weight is terrifying. Quitting drinking is terrifying. What is up with the fear?!

I have not had a successful time with moderation. Being an addictive person who loves 0 & 10, I’m either in or out. On or off. Dependent or independent. Do or do not. Fat/thin. Sober/alcoholic. Athlete/couch potato.

Harsh words – hard consonants. Terrifying, fear, quitting, addictive, do or do not.

Softening words – moderation, middle, symbiotic, flow, lean in, try, open up to, stay here.

I’m redefining myself as sober, calm, soft, gentle, quiet, flowing.

Moving forward doesn’t have to be a full on energetic white water river ride careening towards the end. The kind where you jump up and scream – What a ride! I did it!

It can be an easy babbling, winding brook towards more space. Enjoying the flow, getting lost in a twist or turn, swirling in circles of staying here, bubbling up between rocks. No defined goal but flowing nonetheless.

My fear is of the fast current of change. The final number on a scale or the perfect number of days sober. The process drowning me.

I can breathe through this fear. I don’t have to choose a journey of such power. I can relax and let go. I can use soft words and thoughts. Trickle, drip, leak. I love the phrase – her eyes leaked tears. It evokes the slow processing.

That is how I am working through this time of fear. I’m not sobbing, gasping for breath. I  am standing still and leaking.

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7 thoughts on “Day 125 – I Stayed Here

  1. I also love 0 and 10! I have always been all or nothing and at the moment I’m also trying to lose weight. I’m currently riding the 10 wave and going all out on exercise. Times like this I have to make the most of because I never know when I’m going to drop to 0. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Millie

    I relate to this on so many levels, the all or nothing personality seems to be a common thread with us boozers and for me it relates to food as well. Trying to learn the art of moderation with food but it’s so darn delicious! (says me on a super low calorie diet until my holiday ) ugh…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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