Day 143 – Questioning Everything

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Every morning I wake up with a headache from clenching my teeth at night. I am processing so much in my sleep. So be it. I would rather my subconscious work hard while I don’t know about it.

With a life spent drinking and shoving aside emotions, it feels like I’m standing under a waterfall. I can breathe if I’m careful, but can’t quite take a full breath or I will be engulfed. The heavy relentless feel of the of emotions makes me anxious. I love the water, but I want to step out.

My usual response has been to stay under the waterfall but numb out the feeling. Like putting on a wetsuit and tank. It makes it tolerable, but I’m still standing below the onslaught.

Where I want to be is standing just downstream of the waterfall. Still in the water, feeling it flow against my legs, but watching the rolling frothing fall. The power, the movement, the endlessness.

I’m challenging some of my routines. Sticking my head or arms out of the waterfall where it’s sunny, much quieter and very peaceful. I can see the water sparkling and the rainbows in the air. Things you can’t see when your underneath.

I have been behind the waterfall, it is also quiet there. But it’s even scarier because you have to step into the falls to get to the other side.

After some fine tuning, I can feel it will be easier to step out. My routines are keeping me strong during this onslaught of emotion.

As you can see, I’m writing ‘around’ my issues as my posts are metaphors. I’m going to be okay with that for a bit. The issues I am trying to process are dirty and ugly. They are coming up unbidden. I do feel like I’m almost drowning.

And I am really craving a break. I am craving a night of wine. Both my kids will be gone tonight for the first time in 3 years. I have been thinking lately – if only they weren’t here I could drink.

I want to wake up tomorrow sober. I want to be able to write a blog post in the morning telling about how I made it through.

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7 thoughts on “Day 143 – Questioning Everything

  1. I remember thinking that: please go to your dad’s house so I can drink undisturbed!! The first time you have an opportunity to drink but don’t is scary but big so I hope this is THAT TIME. It seems like there are situations and triggers we keep having to get through sober for the 1st time- kids being gone, celebrations, summer, holidays. Once you do it a few times it just becomes another thing you now do sober, just like all the other things you do. You will get through it!! And maybe even like it:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Untipsyteacher

    I used to be so happy when my hubs went away, or was coming home late, so I could drink more.
    Breathe in and let time pass, and just do not drink.
    No matter what.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey…. you don’t even know me, but — don’t drink!! I know that feeling, and I am here to tell you that alcohol at this point in your abstinence will NOT be the “break” you’re looking for. The result will give you nothing pretty. That voice is an [insert string of profanity here] liar. You’ve healed in these 143 days and your system will hate you for dumping that toxin into it now. Light a candle, put self to bed, watch some sort of “candy” television, and we’ll see you in the morning 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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