Day 143 – Questioning Everything

Every morning I wake up with a headache from clenching my teeth at night. I am processing so much in my sleep. So be it. I would rather my subconscious work hard while I don’t know about it.

With a life spent drinking and shoving aside emotions, it feels like I’m standing under a waterfall. I can breathe if I’m careful, but can’t quite take a full breath or I will be engulfed. The heavy relentless feel of the of emotions makes me anxious. I love the water, but I want to step out.

My usual response has been to stay under the waterfall but numb out the feeling. Like putting on a wetsuit and tank. It makes it tolerable, but I’m still standing below the onslaught.

Where I want to be is standing just downstream of the waterfall. Still in the water, feeling it flow against my legs, but watching the rolling frothing fall. The power, the movement, the endlessness.

I’m challenging some of my routines. Sticking my head or arms out of the waterfall where it’s sunny, much quieter and very peaceful. I can see the water sparkling and the rainbows in the air. Things you can’t see when your underneath.

I have been behind the waterfall, it is also quiet there. But it’s even scarier because you have to step into the falls to get to the other side.

After some fine tuning, I can feel it will be easier to step out. My routines are keeping me strong during this onslaught of emotion.

As you can see, I’m writing ‘around’ my issues as my posts are metaphors. I’m going to be okay with that for a bit. The issues I am trying to process are dirty and ugly. They are coming up unbidden. I do feel like I’m almost drowning.

And I am really craving a break. I am craving a night of wine. Both my kids will be gone tonight for the first time in 3 years. I have been thinking lately – if only they weren’t here I could drink.

I want to wake up tomorrow sober. I want to be able to write a blog post in the morning telling about how I made it through.