Day 150 – Still a Mess

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Good gravy – I can’t seem to find my way back to easy sobriety. Or in my case, ‘not so hard’ sobriety. I am at Month 5 and it is still tough. I really expected to not think about drinking every night by now. In fact, I have even started worrying about it in the morning too.

Here’s what I have done this week:

  • Signed up for The Mindfulness Summit http://themindfulnesssummit.com I have loved the first three speakers and am doing the 31 Day Meditation Challenge that is part of the summit. I have meditated ALL of October so far 😉
  • I went back to my old app from SuperBetter https://www.superbetter.com  I haven’t used it in almost two years. My goal then was to exercise more so I would be a writer. SuperWriterGirl! I’m not doing much exercise but through blogging I am writing. I think I will keep this same goal.
  • I attended an In The Rooms http://www.intherooms.com live Yoga Recovery meeting. It was an AA/yoga combo meeting. I loved it and made a friend. One thing I like is I could stay hidden. There were men in the group and I’m glad I couldn’t be seen. There were about 35 people and there was time for about 6 shares plus a talk and then some opening and closing yoga. I will definitely be repeating that. I liked it enough that I may try some of the other live meetings. It will give me a chance to see what AA is about, get used to being in a group with men and being able to participate at my own comfort level without people looking at me.
  • My Self-Care class is starting to challenge me. This week I have had to get out of my comfort zone and get out of my lazy-boy chair and move. I love learning. Moving is harder. This morning I walked on the treadmill while watching a meditation lecture, then I did a fall yin yoga routine as the sun came up.
  • I have learned that I must eat a BIG breakfast and BIG lunch. I spend so much energy in the morning. No more taking a salad to work. I need food that fills me. Salads or soup are perfect for supper though. My evening ice cream splurge is almost over. As lunch gets bigger I am not so cravy at night. I am going to plan my meals differently this week.
  • Still reading the same self-help books this week. My favorite is Kelly McGonigal’s (sister to Jane McGonigal of Super Better – see above and both have amazing TED Talks) The Willpower Instinct. My take away this week was about “Future Self”.  I love to plot and plan who I’m going to be. When I am thin I will…Next week when I have more energy I will…. I imagine Future Me as someone different from who I am right now. Well guess what? Future Me is still just like me today. I am no more motivated next week than I will be right now. In terms of sobriety, I imagine myself having a drink and all the wonderful things about that. Pretty glass, perfect outfit, nice whatever. But I know that it isn’t true for me. When  I start to imagine what I would buy to drink and I go right to – it wont be enough. That is what is keeping me from drinking. But that is exactly what I love about this book. She nailed me. I do think Future Me will be better than me right now.

As I settle in to some of my new routines I think I can get back to a place with fewer thoughts of drinking. But maybe that is just what i think Future Me will feel like. I probably just need to sit with thoughts of drinking and let them just be. Not give them power by thinking about acting on them. I better sit here and think about that. Or maybe I should get up and mindfully wash the dishes!!

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17 thoughts on “Day 150 – Still a Mess

  1. mishedup

    what a joy it is to watch you grow!
    Day 150 is awesome…so is daub 14, and 94 and 365 and 1002……you get the picture. Any of those days can be wonderful or terrible or cravey or smooth. We do what we do, we don’t drink.
    And, Lori, for the longest time I only went to women’s AA meetings….aren’t there some near you? That solves the problem of being comfortable around men, and will also envelope you in new friendships with others that share a common problem.
    I wish I were near you, I’d happily join you in a meeting anytime….
    i’m doing the mindfulness summit too, but have only heard one speaker…i forgot that they are not linking everyday, and so i need to set a reminder for myself!
    Day 150! WhootWhoot!!

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    • No womens meetings anywhere close. As in less than 45 miles! The first speaker is up the whole month, todays is still here, so you really might catch most of them. I love it! I downloaded the headspace app too. Isn’t that the one you mentioned?

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      • mishedup

        headspace is good, i have insight timer, but all of those apps are great. Anything that makes it easy to meditate is awesome. I’m sorry there are no women’s meetings nearby…that’s frustrating. I forget just how completely lucky i am to live in old angeles…there are so many meetings all the time. But in the rooms is a great resource too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Untipsyteacher

    I will check out your sites! The in the rooms sounds fun!
    I love my AA meetings with men and women. It gives me a chance to hear a variety of voices.
    I think your feelings will come and go, depending on the stress in your life.
    I hardly ever think of drinking anymore, but still do miss it once in awhile. Time will help.
    Just don’t drink today, and all will be well.
    Thank you for sharing the cool sites!
    Happy 150 days!!
    xo
    Wendy

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    • On my superbetter app I’m supposed to hug myself. I’m even uncomfortable hugging me! I may have to ditch my self-help books like you for a while. I just want to work through this stuff rather than push it aside again. I’m finding when I get close to something uncomfortable I want to drink so I figure I’d better work it out.

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  3. Hi, Lori! Sounds like life is a little rough lately:( I have an idea about obsessing on booze: I don’t think you really want to drink, but rather are focusing on that as “the problem”. There is so much going on in your life and that can be overwhelming, so I am wondering if worrying about drinking might not be a distraction from other issues. I’m just throwing it out as something to think about.
    I think you’re are doing great! And I agree with Anne: Today you is perfect just the way she is:)

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    • Lol I responded to Anne before I read yours! I think you are spot on! I’m getting close to uncomfortable and you are probably right.I don’t want to drink but this feeling has always equaled drinking before. Instead of cravy…I’m just kinda crazy 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hahahah! Not cravy– just cray-cray. I can’t tell you enough how much a good wallow will help. Just sit there miserably with the “poor meeeee, can’t driiiiink, life suuuuucks, wahhhh” for a bit until you get so BORED WITH YOURSELF you just let it go. We’re so not-perfect, but in a really awesome and special way.

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  4. Millie

    I find when I sit and really think about why I want to drink, it’s not actually the drinking I miss, I think I romanticize the idea of drinking. I see myself, laughing, socialising and swanning around like the life of the party but I know the reality is artificial drinking laughs, hanging with a bunch of drinkers I wouldn’t otherwise socialise with and stumbling rather than swanning and least not of all the hangover, mild depression and anxiety that follows. Reminds of those “food fails’ on pinterest! have you seen them? The glossy gorgeous biscuits and stuff and then then homemade versions people have tried to replicate? very much like drinking. You’re doing all the right things for you and although it may not feel like it at the moment, you will be so glad you didn’t pick up a drink,

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    • That is the perfect analogy! A drinking pinterest fail. That is what is keeping me from drinking. I know it would be a hot ugly mess. I wish my go-to thought would quit being – get drunk, it will stop the thinking. I suppose I will have to use the P word. Patience – that evil nemesis. Thanks Millie – love this. Lori

      Liked by 1 person

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