6 Months – Failure

A post I read was so creative. She was doing one good deed for every birthday year. I loved that, but since I am working on my insides I changed it up. I am planning to fail 52 times this year.

My month of meditation was phenomenal. Learning that there was nothing to be achieved in an individual meditation session was liberating. It is about the “practice” the daily-ness, like brushing teeth, you can’t stop cavities by brushing once really well, it is a little bit every day. Even a crappy brushing helps in the long run.

I signed up for a yoga class that meets at 5:30 am – 45 minutes away from my home. This means I LEAVE for the class at 4:30 am. I am home at 7:15 to have breakfast with and get my kids to school and then off to work. I need to be showered and hair & make-up ready BEFORE 4:30 am. PS: It’s a beginner class that meets twice a week for 6 weeks. Not forever 🙂

So…What would happen this year if I failed at meditation and yoga?

Well….The WHAT would be “Nothing would change.”

BUT…What would happen if I didn’t fail? or rather WHO would I be if I didn’t fail?

WHO is a woman who loves herself enough to do meditation and yoga rather regularly. She sounds like someone I would like to be friends with!

I explained to my kids that I was going to try and fail 52 times until my birthday next September. *** crickets *** Uh Mom? That sounds like a dumb idea….. My response,

What happens if you try and fail?

What happens if you never try at all?

Who would you rather be?

As I’m trying to heal a broken marriage from 10 years ago, I put that at the top of my list

FAILED

1.  Marriage

It honestly helps to see it on my list. To recognize that failure doesn’t mean the end of happiness or love or excitement. It is the ending of THAT ONE THING THAT ONE TIME. Will I put marriage back on my list next year? Doubt it!  But I did put some pretty cool things on my Failure list.

And several things the kids helped with – No I will not be buying my 13-year-old a gun (or a car), but this may be the year he takes gun safety class and our small town has a school gun club that he could join and learn trap shooting.

This is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY BLOG. It is for me. I go back and read about myself and it is almost surreal. I have been sober for 6 months in a row but one year ago I was still struggling. And I failed at being sober for 6 full months of the beginning of this blog.

How would I answer Failure for last year about blogging? I tried, I did not fail and I am a different person because of it.

How would I answer Failure for last year about drinking? Six months success or six months failure? What if my 6 months sober had been the first part of the year and I had been drinking the last half? Would I still see myself the same way? I currently see drinking as a failure, but really, wasn’t my whole year a success because I TRIED. Can I truly discount myself, do I love myself best UNLESS and ONLY when I succeed perfectly? And who decides what is perfect? Sounds like a “ME” issue. Next year when I review my list, can I love myself through my failures – even if I fail at sobriety? Maybe next year it won’t even make the list. But this year, I know that I would struggle loving myself through failing at being sober.

My list is unfinished. It will also need to get longer. More than likely, I will succeed at some of these. (Dear God – please send new car & TV and not the bankruptcy.) Most of my list I have failed at for a long time. These things weigh on my subconscious. This list lives in my journal, on to-do lists and in the back of my mind as I go past the basement steps and know what is down there. If next year my basement is not cleaned I get to check it off as a FAILURE! That makes me smile. And that is why I am planning to fail.

52 FAILURES

1.  Marriage
2. Write a book
3. Publish an article
4. Start a business
5. Keep a clean house
6. Garden
7. Walk the dog
8. Quit job
9. Buy Josh car
10. Buy Andrew car
11. Paint house
12. Repair electric
13. New cell phone
14. Yoga class
15. Meditate
16. Floss
17. Vacation at Universal Studios
18. Horseback riding
19. Basement
20. Attic & bats
21. Go to church
22. New TV
23. Sheers on windows
24. Wash/repair windows
25. Get rid of old A/C
26. Front porch
27. Start You Tube channel
28. Write a cookbook
29. Sort family pictures
30. Take computer class
31. Start Josh a business
32. Start Andrew a business
33. Camp
34. Date
35. Buy Andrew gun
36. Play clarinet
37. Go bankrupt
38. Teach kids cribbage
39. Write letters
40. New car
41. Indoor garden
42. Be a stay-at-home mom
43. New clothes
44. Love my body
45. Go to doctor for check-up
46. Sit outside in the evening
47. Ride bikes
48. Sober
49. .
50. .
51. .
52. .