Deer vs Car Update

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The officer wrote “deer vs car” on my case number. That made me laugh.

Things move very slowly in a small town. I still don’t have a loaner car. They totaled the car and I found out that the four new tires I put on last month are now worth zero, as well as a full tank of gas. That $500 spent is one-fourth of the value of the car. This is not good news.

Again, I should have been more specific with the definition of new car. NEW CAR not “new to me car” with a value of $2000.

After the adrenalin wore off I was a little stiff but it was gone that first day. Now I am left battling the emotional and financial aspects. If I was still drinking I would have drunk over this and made it worse.

What I am doing instead is taking time off work. I can’t get there anyways without a car. I have asked for help from two of my neighbors. That was new to me. But I still have not told anyone, like my family. I told my boss and she is not handling it well. I know my mom will go crazy and I’m not strong enough for that right now.

I think drinking has kept me from recognizing what healing a situation truly feels like. For some, having a car accident is no big deal and proceed to tell me that. I get judged for needing space to fall apart and cry and be scared. Instead of trying to distract my mind from thinking about the accident, I am giving myself the quiet space to let the thoughts replay as much as they need. My favorite definition of a best friend is – someone who will listen to you tell the same story as many times as you need to tell it. I am going to be my own best friend this time. As many times as I need to cry I will. I won’t tell myself to stay busy, not think about, get over it or move on. I believe in myself enough to know that I will heal and I will know when I am ready to face the world again.

When my boss called with work questions I was surprised at the rush of anger I felt. I wanted to yell at her and say – You own these offices you deal with it! I am trying to heal for a few days!!

She has said, my job is to do hers because she can’t deal with it. My job was perfect, because I loved organization and management and was a great place to hide hangovers because I work alone so much. But I’ve been having some doubts about my job description the longer I am sober. Recently, I have felt the weight of her depression and realize that this may not be the right job for me anymore. I would like to work with a team and not have to be the strong one all the time. Being sober and the self-care involved with maintaining sobriety is allowing me to see my job differently.

Financially I was at that spot where “one more thing” would send my precarious juggling of bills crashing. This was “the thing”. I was down to my last back up plan. So, very quietly, I’m going to make some very hard decisions.

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19 thoughts on “Deer vs Car Update

    • Thank you! As I spend quite a bit of time today crying I realize the last couple days I have been in shock. I can feel that part leaving and sadness entering. It’s weird to have these emotions and not drink over them. Giving myself permission to feel is so unique. Not only would I have been drinking by now but would also have been back at work pushing hard to act normal & strong. While this feels crappy it also feels more loving. I really did used to pretend that it wasn’t that bad because other people just kind of write these things off. I hope when stuff happens to others I can learn from this and be more understanding.

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  1. This is a rather big deal and you may certainly cry over it without reproach! I hope this doesn’t sound offensive (not meant that way) but relationship with boss sounds a bit co-dependent and possibly a good thing that are re-examining how you feel about it. Honestly, when I read your post about the accident you seemed SUPER OK WITH IT and clearly it’s a bigger deal than you were letting on, being brave and OK for everyone. But we can’t always be that, we just need to flip out sometimes:) So I am thinking about you and sending you hugs!!!

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    • Thanks! Hmmmm Co-dependent? Is that an issue for people with drinking problems? LOL This is good insight, I have never really thought about it before. I kind of thought that dependency issues were for the people who didn’t drink. How self-absorbed am I!! haha Interesting that I sounded okay to you. My staff is always surprised when I tell them stuff. They are like -What? Not you?! You are the strong one. – Velly Velly interesting. 🙂 What was that from? Captain Klink? Pink Panther?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lori K

    Yes, this is a big deal, thankfully no one (except the deer) was hurt. Many times when something stressful happens we see the true character of other people; maybe this is what’s happening with your boss. I think it’s better to take time from work instead of being “on the clock” with your thoughts elsewhere! Sending hugs.

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  3. Untipsyteacher

    Lori,
    I was in a car accident one time, and it is scary. I was crying and shaking for several days. It’s a huge shock to the system.
    You have every right to take some days to heal, and I am so glad you did.
    I am so sorry about the finances. That is also tough. And scary. With this and your job, you have a lot on your mind.
    You are taking care of you, and that is so important.
    xo
    Wendy

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    • Thank you! I am surprised by how hard it’s been. I do have a lot on my plate! I hadn’t really noticed until you said that. I think it’s time for some decisions – even if they are wrong. And that is a huge fear – makng the wrong decision – so I do nothing. Ooo this is interesting….

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  4. Car accidents are the very definition of TRAUMA and the body and mind and soul need time to regroup and heal. They are a very big deal. Once, when I was a kid, my mother was rear-ended by another driver. Not much damage but I was not able to watch the road while she drove for over a year. I would ride with my head down or in a book. My safety had been shattered and it took a while to build it up again.

    You’ll get there but you need to give yourself as much time as it takes and not feel like you have to apologize for it. The biggest thing I’ve learned in sobriety is to honor my feelings and not stuff them down.

    Sherry

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  5. Your boss is trying to make your problem about her . … No wonder you felt angry.
    Betty is right , there can be co dependency at work . Your boss is used to u fixing everything for her !

    Many people with alcoholism , when you peel back the layers , you may have found a co dependent underneath / at the start !
    Hope you take enough time to heal and dont stuff these feelings !
    Love from Sally xxx

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  6. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of taking care of yourself (and because you’re taking care of yourself, you can actually take care of your family). Something like this might send a few of us toward the escape hatch. You’re really strong and aware, I think you should be really proud of yourself. Allowing yourself to feel all of those feelings, requesting the space you need to heal, all amazing. And even I feel a rush of anger that you’re boss called you. It sounds like she could be a dysfunctional person (I don’t know since I’m not there)…I think it’s always a good idea to reevaluate our work situation with objectivity. And it’s great that sobriety is allowing you to see more clearly.

    I wish you well with everything and wish there were a way to help you other than just sending you this cyber hug. Thank you for sharing your life here, what you’re going through without alcohol.

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