Deer vs Car Update

The officer wrote “deer vs car” on my case number. That made me laugh.

Things move very slowly in a small town. I still don’t have a loaner car. They totaled the car and I found out that the four new tires I put on last month are now worth zero, as well as a full tank of gas. That $500 spent is one-fourth of the value of the car. This is not good news.

Again, I should have been more specific with the definition of new car. NEW CAR not “new to me car” with a value of $2000.

After the adrenalin wore off I was a little stiff but it was gone that first day. Now I am left battling the emotional and financial aspects. If I was still drinking I would have drunk over this and made it worse.

What I am doing instead is taking time off work. I can’t get there anyways without a car. I have asked for help from two of my neighbors. That was new to me. But I still have not told anyone, like my family. I told my boss and she is not handling it well. I know my mom will go crazy and I’m not strong enough for that right now.

I think drinking has kept me from recognizing what healing a situation truly feels like. For some, having a car accident is no big deal and proceed to tell me that. I get judged for needing space to fall apart and cry and be scared. Instead of trying to distract my mind from thinking about the accident, I am giving myself the quiet space to let the thoughts replay as much as they need. My favorite definition of a best friend is – someone who will listen to you tell the same story as many times as you need to tell it. I am going to be my own best friend this time. As many times as I need to cry I will. I won’t tell myself to stay busy, not think about, get over it or move on. I believe in myself enough to know that I will heal and I will know when I am ready to face the world again.

When my boss called with work questions I was surprised at the rush of anger I felt. I wanted to yell at her and say – You own these offices you deal with it! I am trying to heal for a few days!!

She has said, my job is to do hers because she can’t deal with it. My job was perfect, because I loved organization and management and was a great place to hide hangovers because I work alone so much. But I’ve been having some doubts about my job description the longer I am sober. Recently, I have felt the weight of her depression and realize that this may not be the right job for me anymore. I would like to work with a team and not have to be the strong one all the time. Being sober and the self-care involved with maintaining sobriety is allowing me to see my job differently.

Financially I was at that spot where “one more thing” would send my precarious juggling of bills crashing. This was “the thing”. I was down to my last back up plan. So, very quietly, I’m going to make some very hard decisions.

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