Day 195 – Choice


I decided that ONE WEEK of grief was enough. People have car accidents all the time.

That was not a good decision. I am not sleeping, have terrible heartburn, am short with my kids and am very angry at my job situation.

I really don’t have time for these feelings. I am trying to SOLVE this problem. In a conversation with a girlfriend she said she waits for a sign, for an answer to present itself. She distracts herself until things work out naturally.

She noticed that I need an answer to move forward. I said that if I wait for answers like she does, I don’t get to choose my life. Why would I ever give up my own choice and instead let others decide for me?

We both think our way is best. It was interesting that she noticed it. I think this could also be the definition of a “strong” woman. One who chooses.

Having a car accident has taken away my ability to choose. And the decisions that I am forced to make have to be made without enough information. I don’t know about cars and have to rely on SALESMEN to give me accurate information…yeah, no thanks. The car I choose must be safe for my kids and get me to both my jobs throughout the winter.

I can’t take care of my family. That is the thought running through my head and churning up my stomach.

The 7 Stages of Acceptance and The 5 Stages of Grief have been printed and are hanging on the fridge. The kids and I check each morning to see where we are. I am rocking between depression, bargaining and shock. My 16 year old is having some aggression in response to the situation. When he does, we look at the stages and see that aggression is a form of anger.  Then we follow the path to acceptance. I remind him that we will all get there in our own time.

I am ready to get to acceptance. I have DECIDED that I want to be in the Stage of Acceptance. It is going to happen and by golly I will CHOOSE to be in Acceptance.

Why isn’t it working?


8 thoughts on “Day 195 – Choice

  1. I love what Louise wrote. Yes. … And to say, it’s powerful that your head wants to pull away from the stress and pain and frustration your heart is feeling. Perhaps avoidance? Perhaps pushing things down under the surface? When we do that, oftentimes the thing we are trying to push away resurfaces much larger and stronger than it was initially. Thinking of you and your family.* I love that you talk to openly and clearly with your children about their feelings – especially your boy. So powerful! And awesome. Even though it’s hard right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes. It’s like wanting to let go, but actually holding on with both hands.
    Sometimes we can’t decide how to feel. We just have to flow with it.

    Do you have a therapist to talk to? I am really impressed with how you are handling it with your kids. You are teaching them invaluable tools.

    I’m here if you need to talk. I have no solutions, but I send you all the love and support I can. Just google hangout me.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. mishedup

    often times direct action is what it takes for me….i can sit and meditate and ruminate and wonder, even accept, but just doing something helps.
    Look online. I have bought all of my cars online…i go to a dealer, test drive, figure what i want. ignore all of their sales pitches (actually leave if they stall my test drive) and then go thru one of the online dealerships and find the car i want for the price i want.
    The boys could get involved in this too….they can research online, they know what you need. then there is empowerment all around, a family project.
    Also, my latest care is exactly the same as my last on, just a newer model…that was so easy because i knew i loved my old car (paid off, and totaled in an accident too). If your old car worked…get the same one again maybe?
    Yo can do this

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What your friend is talking about is faith, what you are talking about is control.

    None of us are in control.

    Relax the control and just let the grief happen in its own time. Time to get out of your own way.

    The reason I know this is because I’ve been there…and I ended up clinically depressed because I wouldn’t get out of my own way.


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Millie

    There’s a fine line between going with the flow and allowing fate to take charge and actioning your own destiny. I used to want to control everything and would get myself in a bunch when I couldn’t. Control what you know you can and try not to worry or stress about the things you can’t, they will work themselves out. Easier sad than down I know. x

    Liked by 1 person

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