Perfect Thankgiving – insert wink here

Standard

In my family I was the only drinker. The only one who swore, made an inappropriate – that’s what she said!!, forgot to pray before EVERY meal including snacks, didn’t wear a bra at home, spoke loudly instead of a quiet modulated voice kind of rebel. We are talking SERIOUS perfection.

This is not the right wine with the turkey, floral centerpiece, home made pie with lattice crust perfection. This is MORAL perfection.

When I drank they could all shake their heads at me and become even more perfect so their kids wouldn’t turn out like me & mine. We talk now of our favorite TV shows and there is the kind smile and “oh, we started watching that but it just went too far.” The kids are limited in their video time to equal amounts of social interaction time. There are secret rules discussed before coming to my home on how to not let anyone know the rules – just act morally and be a good role model.

When I laugh too loudly, it is met with sighs and a polite smile. The compliments are a little too forced. A kid coming back in the room to thank me awkwardly. I just want to scream at everyone – Just be yourself! Relax! We’re family!

It feels so tight, like if one person (me or my Family Guy loving kids) is left unchecked we will turn this family into heathens of the worst kind.

When I complain to another family member I get “That’s not very Christian of you.” Ugh

I sucked it up this year. Watched what I said, held in my honest laughter, smiled back at the forced smiles, said please and thank you and secretly drank in my bedroom. No – I didn’t. I REALLY DIDN’T. But now I know why I used to.

I just can’t be this perfect. I don’t want to feel guarded when I speak…or eat…or pray.

I am a good girl. Why can’t they see that? And this year I can’t say it’s because of the alcohol. This year I’m a moral failure without an excuse.

Yeah, yeah I hear you guys. I see it. I’m not a moral failure. But I am writing what I’m feeling in order to process it. So there. That’s just the kind of rebel that I am.

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Perfect Thankgiving – insert wink here

  1. Lori K

    “Thankfully” it’s only once a year 😉 I’m actually sitting here this morning recovering from my own family get together… A hangover of sorts, but no alcohol was consumed, at least by me! We made it through! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. mishedup

    wow!
    i am so sorry. And so proud of you for not drinking bur seeing the connection with why you drank before.
    Your life is shaking up…that’s what happens when we get sober sometimes,; the old ways just cannot be maintained. We can try, push, force them….but we become so fundamentally different that those who don’t get it, well, just never will.
    And then it’s back on us…friends change, family contact changes…it’s hard, but can also be very liberating…to step into the real you, the one you’ve been hiding for so long.
    sending love and support

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So basically you have FAM-OVER. Hahah! They sound like a ton of fun:) But you know what they say: you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your family (or your friend’s nose – unless it’s a very close friend….but then we are entering a MORAL WASTELAND just discussing that..sooooo moving on…) Anyway, if you were MORALLY ERECT what would they have have to talk about all year? 😉 You did good!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Untipsyteacher

    Hi Lori!
    Betty is sure right about not being families and friends!
    If I have learned one thing, there is no “normal”, “perfect” family, that’s for sure.
    You did good!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

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