For the last 6 weeks I have cried in the shower every morning. Yesterday I told myself it was the last time. I told my kids that I was going to go out and buy us a new van – TODAY.

And I did.

I drove one van – and bought it. I didn’t even have enough cash in the bank to cover the check. The staff offered to cover the money until my Dad could wire me the balance. I accepted every single offer of help from friends and family.

I drove to buy Christmas presents, which I had been unable to do before now. I drove to the library to check out some books and part 2 of the Outlander TV show.

I drove to pick up in kids in my new van – one that I am not settling for from the local dealership. That one leaked oil and they wouldn’t fix the starter or fuel gauge to sell to me. They kept saying – soon – soon.  But as soon as I told them NO – that van was fixed and put out to sell. The other car for my kids, that also leaks oil – they still don’t have the title for 7 weeks later. That will be returned to them this morning. I AM DONE WITH A**HOLES!

Being in a sad place is like a radar for abuse for me. When I need the most care it seems to draw out the jerks. This is why I don’t trust. It is why I don’t date.

Ahh – anger. What a great emotion!! Sooo much better than sad 🙂


I Care That I Am Hurting


Ladies Who Lunch met for a birthday Chinese buffet yesterday. One knew nothing of my recent crisis. One knew one story and two knew a bit more. I caught everyone up and ended with and then I drank.”

Two can’t drink because of meds, one just has a few when friends come over and one has a drink most nights. One is late 20’s, one is turning 40 and two are early 50’s. You can probably put together the drinking patterns just based on age.

They cared and they didn’t that I drank. Their concern was much more about how I was holding up and what I was doing for help. Knowing that I was trying to not drink – they were sad that I drank because it was something I wanted. In the big picture it was certainly not a failure of any kind to them. Their focus was more on what I achieved than on a couple, in their eyes, much needed cocktails.

I told them I was still planning to not drink. “Whatever – that’s good…but what are you doing to take care of yourself?”

As a sober blogging community the focus is on getting and staying sober. I think we do an excellent job of working on self-care as a means to this end. Alcohol had been my answer to everything in my life. My self-care was alcohol.

For the past year my focus has been on getting sober. Rewards an Treats for for each day not drinking. Then I drank. I didn’t want to just have one. I didn’t want to fit in at a holiday party. I wanted to be alone and check out.

But it didn’t work. Somewhere in that Rewarding & Treating & Lunching with Ladies I found that self-care wasn’t to just get and stay sober. It is about caring for myself. The girls didn’t care about my drinking per se, they cared because it wasn’t a good self-care choice.

Amongst us Ladies we can easily see that one is a doormat to her family, another has a cheating husband, one is very controlling and one had to get back to work & prosecute two meth mothers and remove their babies. They don’t see me as the “alcoholic” in the group. I am the one with the continual crisis in my life.

For the past year it took my everything to quit drinking. It was so hard. Then I drank.

But I don’t want to go back to drinking because now I know. It’s like a secret. Once you know, you can’t unknow. Drinking doesn’t feel good. And now that I know what feeling good feels like I don’t want to go back to feeling bad.

My friends, sober or not, understood how bad I was hurting. Hurting so much that I drank because I couldn’t find the light. I finally get it. I am loveable. I can love myself and I can let others love me. That’s why they could care less about the alcohol – they cared about my hurting.

And I care that I am hurting.

I think that is my personal definition of what being an alcoholic is…….



Putting ‘Broken’ Back Together


In my Yoga Recovery group the speaker had 10 years of sobriety, followed by 3 years of drinking, followed by 18 years sobriety. For whatever reason, people kept sharing their age – 52. It was crazy.

Whenever I listen, I find something meaningful, even if sometimes people drone on. This was my motivation yesterday. Sit and listen for “that thing”.

And I heard, over and over again, that 52 year old people stumble, have stumbled, and in the future will stumble again. AND THEN THEY GET UP AND KEEP GOING. Yes, it’s lovely when it all goes according to schedule but honestly, that’s not what I want to hear in those meetings. I want to hear the hope.

I am broken right now. I have broken in the past. I will break again in the future. No matter how perfectly I keep my schedule I can’t keep life from changing.

Drinking makes time stand still.

That sounds like such a relief to me. If I just sit here and don’t move – literally – nothing can happen. Except, I can hear my ceiling leaking from the rain into a bucket that has four inches of water in it. I can see the “red ticket” from the energy company taped to my fireplace that says – Hazardous Condition. When I let the dog outside there is no car in the garage.


When things break I have to make a decision. Keep using it a little differently, repair it or junk it. I have limped along through my drinking years by just getting through. I kept things the same but made concessions for my drinking “relief”. The past year I have struggled with repairing my life from drinking. I have embraced everything. Certain things were great but didn’t stick. And right now, I wonder if it was all a waste of time and money and I should just junk it.


Keep using it, repair it or junk it.

In the yoga recovery meeting people shared how different programs have helped them. The overall consensus was Other People & Movement.

So that is my first repair. More blogging, out to lunch with friends, and get off my butt.





The End – of in a row.


7 Months of no alcohol in a row. Made it to Day 219.

I still do not own a car – it’s been over a month since the accident. I had a gas leak in my home and one son and I got sick. Both of my kids started failing school due to the stress of almost losing me twice in a month.

I drank a little the last two nights. It was fine. It did take the edge off. But I dumped over half out this morning.

I simply ran out of energy and answers and went back to something familiar. Since I quit drinking my life has gotten worse and I have spent a lot of money and time on answers that haven’t worked.

So, I start over. Calmly, with no shame.

I have been hanging on by a thread trying to keep myself sober for 7 months. Now, I can relax. The horror stories about relapse didn’t come true for me. Being sober is now a choice. My couple nights of drinks didn’t destroy anything but a cumulative number.

I want to continue being sober. It feels good. Sober didn’t make my problems go away. Drinking didn’t make my problems go away.

I just have some crappy problems.

It’s actually taken the pressure off. I had misplaced my stress all on staying sober. Which, of course, made me want to drink even more. It feels like a huge sense of freedom. I’m not fighting a number of days. Instead, I have discovered my own choice.

I removed my sober counter app. I like knowing that I prefer a life without alcohol. I have failed at perfect and I can breathe again.

I got caught up on sober blogs this morning and listened in on my Yoga Recovery group. Just embracing whatever feels right. This doesn’t feel like my thousands of other Day One’s filled with shame and self-loathing.

It is simply another day in my Recovery.