I Care That I Am Hurting

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Ladies Who Lunch met for a birthday Chinese buffet yesterday. One knew nothing of my recent crisis. One knew one story and two knew a bit more. I caught everyone up and ended with and then I drank.”

Two can’t drink because of meds, one just has a few when friends come over and one has a drink most nights. One is late 20’s, one is turning 40 and two are early 50’s. You can probably put together the drinking patterns just based on age.

They cared and they didn’t that I drank. Their concern was much more about how I was holding up and what I was doing for help. Knowing that I was trying to not drink – they were sad that I drank because it was something I wanted. In the big picture it was certainly not a failure of any kind to them. Their focus was more on what I achieved than on a couple, in their eyes, much needed cocktails.

I told them I was still planning to not drink. “Whatever – that’s good…but what are you doing to take care of yourself?”

As a sober blogging community the focus is on getting and staying sober. I think we do an excellent job of working on self-care as a means to this end. Alcohol had been my answer to everything in my life. My self-care was alcohol.

For the past year my focus has been on getting sober. Rewards an Treats for for each day not drinking. Then I drank. I didn’t want to just have one. I didn’t want to fit in at a holiday party. I wanted to be alone and check out.

But it didn’t work. Somewhere in that Rewarding & Treating & Lunching with Ladies I found that self-care wasn’t to just get and stay sober. It is about caring for myself. The girls didn’t care about my drinking per se, they cared because it wasn’t a good self-care choice.

Amongst us Ladies we can easily see that one is a doormat to her family, another has a cheating husband, one is very controlling and one had to get back to work & prosecute two meth mothers and remove their babies. They don’t see me as the “alcoholic” in the group. I am the one with the continual crisis in my life.

For the past year it took my everything to quit drinking. It was so hard. Then I drank.

But I don’t want to go back to drinking because now I know. It’s like a secret. Once you know, you can’t unknow. Drinking doesn’t feel good. And now that I know what feeling good feels like I don’t want to go back to feeling bad.

My friends, sober or not, understood how bad I was hurting. Hurting so much that I drank because I couldn’t find the light. I finally get it. I am loveable. I can love myself and I can let others love me. That’s why they could care less about the alcohol – they cared about my hurting.

And I care that I am hurting.

I think that is my personal definition of what being an alcoholic is…….

 

 

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15 thoughts on “I Care That I Am Hurting

  1. If this is what you got from drinking again I think it was 100% worth it.
    You are worthy. You do deserve happiness and peace.

    And now you know your old way really doesn’t work anymore, if it ever did.

    So, onward you go, putting yourself first and knowing drinking is not the solutions to stress.

    All significant realizations!

    I’m glad you are ok. I’m thinking of you.

    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Anne is so right, you can take something very positive and powerful from this experience, but from me i would add that dwelling on anything we can’t change is very destructive. You cant change that you drank the other night any more than you can change that you drank what you did before sobriety, but you now have the knowledge that drinking really isn’t the answer …. another sober tool
    Sending you virtual xxx hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. mishedup

    I’m laughing only because i was gonna say what anne did…if drinking brought you to that realization, that you need to love and take care of yourself and that the alcohol is only a manifestation of your need, your pain…well, i’m glad that you did. and how wonderful that your friends saw this…that’s what good friends do. they honor your choices and cut to the chase…

    so now, not drinking, you can figure out what you’re going to do in your life to make the need for alcohol moot.
    I know you’ll do it…like you said, once you know you can’t unknown.
    glad you’re writing it out….

    think about a word for the year…it has been a guiding light through my whole sobriety…it started me on my sober path.

    xo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Untipsyteacher

    Hi Lori!
    Ladies who lunch sound like an uber-cool bunch.
    You have a lot of stress.
    To discover what to do when under stress, instead of drinking. How can you soothe yourself in a healthy way.
    I tend to read a bunch when I need to “check out”.
    It’s a little bit isolating, but at least I can’t get in trouble that way!
    xoxo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes to what everyone else said here…and yes to taking care of yourself…treat yourself like you would treat someone you love if they were going through the same thing. Look forward. Maybe be grateful for the lesson and the clarity.
    Jenn

    Like

    • I am still searching for that silver lining!! I think the soberness is helping clear the path that I know there will be a lesson someday. Before I would have drunk through the crisis until the next crisis came along. I m letting myself have time to heal. I wouldn’t rush a friend and that’s a good reminder to not rush myself.

      Like

  6. So many good things said here. Know, too, that we care that you are hurting. And perhaps, painful as it is, start there? Your friends sound beautiful and motley – two wonderful characteristics of a friend group. Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs. (I think I sent some yesterday, but am adding to the pile.) -HM.

    Like

    • I have always faced my crisis alone. It has been amazing to share the hard times. Drinking also kept me isolated from sharing. I haven’t had friends that I really believed cared about me. But the blogging friends have no reason to not be honest and I believe you guys.

      Like

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