Still don’t know about my father in law. My ex left a message saying he was being treated for frostbite and blood clots. My son asked if they were going to visit Grandpa in the hospital when he went on Saturday but Dad said no because Grandpa just sleeps a lot. Just…wow…
New man in my life is still going well. I even stayed up until 11:00 on Friday! We have decided to just run with the idea that this will all work out. We are too tired and old to play games. Though he is having fun using “My Year of Yes” theme when I am reluctant to do something.
So, it goes like this “Let me help you.” No, that’s okay I can do it myself. “It’s your year of yes..” Big dramatic sigh by me-and then I accept help.
I read this line in a Tess Gerritson book this morning, “It was not that their hearts had hardened; it was because they could do nothing about it, and powerlessness leads to its own form of serenity.” I feel like this. I have been unable to change my surroundings – so I drank. I left by means of disassociation. My own drunken serenity.
As I fantasize about what life would be like with a partner, I realize that I have been just biding my time waiting for my kids to graduate. It is interesting to think about actually letting some of my dreams come true. An organic garden, chickens and dare I even say it-having someone to take care of home & car repairs. I imagine what it would feel like to not have every burden be mine alone.
He hugs me. Longer than I am comfotable with because I am constantly moving. He says I should not talk while kissing. My friends at work laugh hysterically at this because they say it would be good to see me stay still and quiet a bit more! So I am going to say yes to relaxing during a hug. Standing stiff until a hug is over is not how it’s done I am learning. And kisses are not some annoying prerequisite to taking your clothes off.
It’s stupid moderation again. I can’t do one drink-or even one bottle. Why bother with one kiss or hug if your not going to get naked? I haven’t figured this part out yet but it seems important to him. He says it’s called affection not foreplay. Interesting…..sounds like letting my guard down, not controlling the outcome and then having a feeling. Stupid feelings.
My heart is not hard but I have felt powerless for so long and have created my own bubble of serenity. I want to drag him into my bubble. He is inviting me to peek outside of it.