For two weeks I have been cleaning up more bodily fluids than I have in years. This stomach flu has devastated my family to the point we are taking Zofran. Six days each of hell.
So…the Regional Director calls to move up my vetting – or as corporate cutely calls it “Day of Discovery”. When, I ask? Tomorrow. I just sat upright for the first time yesterday….but I said yes.
I said yes, because during my recent (hiatus/broken tablet/not a very good excuse) time away from blogging I signed a contract to buy two of the tax offices I manage. I spent hours planning, cried tons of tears and ate two bags of Dove chocolate coming to the decision to say yes.
The key to it all was recognizing the point when I wanted to say no. It felt the same as the knot in my stomach from the flu. Right there, I knew, that punched in the gut feeling, I had to find the cause of it. Through a bit of trial & error – every time I said to myself – “but you could fail and lose everything” my stomach would knot. Ouch – it’s doing it now just thinking about it.
Left alone, I think I would have said no. But I let people in. I talked with them and when something they said made my stomach hurt, I asked them to repeat it and say it in different ways. As a person who has never truly failed at anything – school, sports, jobs – what was I afraid of?
Turns out…..I wanted to coast through the next 6 years in my bubble. My youngest will finish school, I can move back home to the Twin Cities, or I can move to Paris and wait tables. But I can leave this behind. If I bought the offices, I was committing to becoming a part of these communities that I had withdrawn and protected myself from.
I can juggle my bills well enough to get by, but if I bought, yes, I could fail, but I could also succeed. I had not envisioned what that would look like. It also makes my stomach hurt (bad) to think of myself as successful. What happens to successful people? They fall. (This concept needs a lot more insight and thought!! I’m still working on that.)
So, I had discovered my key fears. Once I defined them, it made the decision easier. They were fears and not realities. And once again, they stem from low self-esteem. Saying yes was good self-care.
My guy called when he got back to town at 8 and said he would brave the flu house to help me go over my outline for today’s meeting. I haven’t seen him in over a week, but I was tired and didnt feel like talking. So as kind as he was being, I said no. This is entrely new for me. Which is why my saying no was good self-care.