And I Did It -My Way…(sing along..) 

Standard

I feel like I have been on the Real Roller Coaster of Life.

Before I attempted to get sober, I hid in my house. I kept things SUPER controlled. I got to have everything MY WAY.

Well, guess what…leaving my house is crazy!!! For a variety of reasons, I have been drinking. And the more I drink, the more I want to hide at home and control things. 

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner, folks. One good, hard core reason that I drink. Lots and lots of stupid excuses to drink! (need a break, long day, celebrate, relax, a fight) But I have found myself longing (craving) to stay home and get everything back in order…then I will stop drinking…

Um, no. I can’t go there again. 

My Year of Yes has given me:

  • A Boyfriend
  • Buying a business 
  • 7 months sober (in a row!)
  • Putting my house on the market
  • Hanging on the edge, and I mean the very edge, of bankruptcy
  • Drinking again
  • A huge garden

Saying YES isn’t about a happy ending like I thought. It is about exploring the EDGES of my limits and pushing them. And it is really uncomfortable. And I thought having a drink would help. But saying YES to drinking, to test that edge, is sending me back to staying home and controlling.

When I started my Year of Yes, I did not imagine that I could end up unhappy. I believed in the process. I think my perception of getting sober was the same. Once I quit drinking all would be good, because it really was at first! 

My relapse isn’t so much about the drinking as it is trying to hide back in my house. Which leads to secret drinking, which leads to more hiding in the house, which leads to more drinking, and more hiding, etc.

 I drink – I hide. And everything goes my way. Badly, but still MY WAY.

I don’t drink – I leave the house. And everything goes crazy. And not much goes the way I want. 

BUT – My way – isn’t the best way. Isn’t this an AA statement? My best thinking something something something? 

 I wish the world would slow down for a few minutes while I catch up, but that is truly what I fight. The need to control – even the spinning of the earth.  

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “And I Did It -My Way…(sing along..) 

  1. mishedup

    just “you’re own best thinking got you here”.
    You seem clear on the concept and now you have the choice…
    the other AA statement “self-knowledge avails us nothing” works here too….
    it doesn’t matter how much you understand how, why, what. etc…
    you’re still drinking and you’re not happy.
    Surrender dorothy!

    xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Just here and reading. Here and listening. I get it. The control. The hiding. Me, too. I get it. Now when I hide, I realize I need to slow down or be quiet or check out, but I do it without the drink so that tomorrow I don’t hide. Just here. ‘Yes’ing for a year is great, but I want You to feel great in the midst of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know how you do it with a husband. I was good alone but relationships are crazy! You have had such a wild year of work issues. I’m so impressed at how you handled those situations. We started school here last week and it feels good to have that behind me and get on with it.

      Like

      • A routine will feel good. As for adding more cooks, we just figure it out because it’s what we do. Humans are good that way (most of the time). *smile* I loved your most recent post. You sound like you’re in a really good, centered place. I hope that’s true for the most part – albeit dealing with Life, of course, in its many facets along the way. *smile*

        Liked by 1 person

    • I am a canning nerd, as my kids say. But I see those pretty jars all waiting for the cold winter and it’s exciting! I’m thinking of you as you play the waiting game of doctors and diagnosis. The story of your life is helping me. Sober doesn’t make life problems go away. I think that’s what got me this time.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Ha, I stopped and started so many times. I think the biggest thing is knowing you are not happy and want a change. That’s part of the beginning. Just keep trying and don’t give up. P.S. you can steal m lyist if you’d like. it’s good to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s