I feel like I have been on the Real Roller Coaster of Life.
Before I attempted to get sober, I hid in my house. I kept things SUPER controlled. I got to have everything MY WAY.
Well, guess what…leaving my house is crazy!!! For a variety of reasons, I have been drinking. And the more I drink, the more I want to hide at home and control things.
Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner, folks. One good, hard core reason that I drink. Lots and lots of stupid excuses to drink! (need a break, long day, celebrate, relax, a fight) But I have found myself longing (craving) to stay home and get everything back in order…then I will stop drinking…
Um, no. I can’t go there again.
My Year of Yes has given me:
- A Boyfriend
- Buying a business
- 7 months sober (in a row!)
- Putting my house on the market
- Hanging on the edge, and I mean the very edge, of bankruptcy
- Drinking again
- A huge garden
Saying YES isn’t about a happy ending like I thought. It is about exploring the EDGES of my limits and pushing them. And it is really uncomfortable. And I thought having a drink would help. But saying YES to drinking, to test that edge, is sending me back to staying home and controlling.
When I started my Year of Yes, I did not imagine that I could end up unhappy. I believed in the process. I think my perception of getting sober was the same. Once I quit drinking all would be good, because it really was at first!
My relapse isn’t so much about the drinking as it is trying to hide back in my house. Which leads to secret drinking, which leads to more hiding in the house, which leads to more drinking, and more hiding, etc.
I drink – I hide. And everything goes my way. Badly, but still MY WAY.
I don’t drink – I leave the house. And everything goes crazy. And not much goes the way I want.
BUT – My way – isn’t the best way. Isn’t this an AA statement? My best thinking something something something?
I wish the world would slow down for a few minutes while I catch up, but that is truly what I fight. The need to control – even the spinning of the earth.