My guy asked if I wanted something in my lemonade. I said yes. Ice. He laughed and named a bunch of booze, and said he doesn’t know what goes with lemonade. (In my head I thought – anything if your an alcoholic!) But I said vodka. He asked if I wanted a shot of that. (Alcoholic brain said – No silly – I want to finish the bottle!) I just went with ice.
Later on he said, well by now the alcohol would be worn off and you could drive home. (Yes, if I had ONE, but why would I do that!) I reminded him that I had already been home once and back – we only live 4 miles apart- since he offered me the drink, and secondly, it was a holiday weekend making it doubly stupid because the cops are assuming everyone is drunk. He said, but it’s just one? I said that a tiny mistake could have huge consequences.
He gets it differently than me. He won’t drink or use a phone and drive because he has a high end trucking licence. I don’t drink and drive because ONE drink is not in my vocabulary.
I did mention to him that I was currently off the sauce. He raised his eyebrows and said – You’ve been drinking without me? Haha (Of course! I much prefer to drink alone!)
I suddenly realized that I hadn’t spent many evenings at his house while I had been relapsing. I had been wondering why he had been a bit distant. And now I got it. I was keeping the distance so he wouldn’t know I was drinking. As this is the first time in my life that I have attempted to not drink, this is my first (semi) sober relationship.
What an eye-opening experience. Firstly, I don’t need to share my alcoholic brain thoughts with him. I don’t need to convince him. He will probably never get it and that’s okay with me. Secondly, holy cow, my behavior led to me pushing him away. Never in a million years would I have thought I was the one doing wrong. It has always been the guy’s fault. How very Katie Byron. Turn that thought around. “You are pulling away ~ I am pulling away.”
My drinking (which I thought if I kept it secret wouldn’t hurt anyone but me) has wrecked relationships.
This is good important stuff to know. Now I can do better.