Depression Day 7.0

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I have been depressed for weeks now, for a couple of reasons. 

I am STILL in the process of trying to buy two tax offices TWO years after it has started. The contract was finally signed Oct 20th. And for the last month I have been harrassed, threatened and belittled about not getting my part done. Really?!?  I waited almost TWO years for that contract and management gave me three days before the harassment started. 

In (typical self-absorbed response) my drinking spiraled out of control. After three days of returning to the behavior that led me here, I stopped and asked for help. My boyfriend had felt a funny feeling that something was off, but since we don’t live together, he didn’t know about the drinking. He definitely knew I was depressed. I shared how I started to keep the drinking secret, but I couldn’t do it anymore. We thought of some ideas but both agreed we had no answers and would just make mistakes and keep trying until we found our way through this.

The gist of it, alcoholism is going to be a third partner in our reationship. That is an amazingly depressive thought. 

My Year of Yes – aargh. It has been hard. I said to my boyfriend that next year I should do a Year of No. He said no. My Year of Yes brought us together. He suggested that maybe I could look at my drinking as saying YES to secret drinking and deciding it wasn’t for me. He was so pleased that I talked to him. That he gets to be part of the process of trying and succeeding/failing rather than watching me fall apart alone. 

Depression is hard. There is no emotion, just flat. The alcohol sure calls. I know it will give me something, anything other than this blah hopelessness.

My new word of the year (so far) is going to be something about Less or Light. Light in spirit, light in body, light in owning/attachment to things, light in my heart, light in sunlight, less reacting, less financial stress, less bad self-talk, less anger.

I feel heavy and burdened from so much Yes. 

No is too extreme. 

Less. Light. 

I feel better already. 

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Where am I?

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I feel so absent from the blog world! Work has captured most of my time, followed closely by my garden. Yep, it’s November in central Iowa and I picked tomatoes yesterday 🙂 I have spinach, lettuce, peas, cabbage, beets, carrots & broccoli  as well. 

Through it all I have NOT been drinking. Yeah me. My 7 months  in a row still hangs over my head (in a good way). Maybe some day I will hit it again. BUT for now, I’m just taking it one day at a time. No worries. 

I have come a long way in my conversations about my drinking with my boyfriend. He has started to recognize that his own drinking is more than what he likes. He and I both can talk honestly about “really wanting the escape” and we say to each other “I get that.” He doesn’t question my drinking or not drinking anymore. It has just become one of my (many) quirks that I battle alcohol. I kind of feel bad for him though. When he met me he never gave his own drinking a second thought, now he questions himself. I Get That! Once you see it you can’t un see it. And that wasn’t a fun realization for me.

I’m going to enjoy this sober, happy time between life crisis (cuz you know there is always one around the corner.)