Depression Day 7.0

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I have been depressed for weeks now, for a couple of reasons. 

I am STILL in the process of trying to buy two tax offices TWO years after it has started. The contract was finally signed Oct 20th. And for the last month I have been harrassed, threatened and belittled about not getting my part done. Really?!?  I waited almost TWO years for that contract and management gave me three days before the harassment started. 

In (typical self-absorbed response) my drinking spiraled out of control. After three days of returning to the behavior that led me here, I stopped and asked for help. My boyfriend had felt a funny feeling that something was off, but since we don’t live together, he didn’t know about the drinking. He definitely knew I was depressed. I shared how I started to keep the drinking secret, but I couldn’t do it anymore. We thought of some ideas but both agreed we had no answers and would just make mistakes and keep trying until we found our way through this.

The gist of it, alcoholism is going to be a third partner in our reationship. That is an amazingly depressive thought. 

My Year of Yes – aargh. It has been hard. I said to my boyfriend that next year I should do a Year of No. He said no. My Year of Yes brought us together. He suggested that maybe I could look at my drinking as saying YES to secret drinking and deciding it wasn’t for me. He was so pleased that I talked to him. That he gets to be part of the process of trying and succeeding/failing rather than watching me fall apart alone. 

Depression is hard. There is no emotion, just flat. The alcohol sure calls. I know it will give me something, anything other than this blah hopelessness.

My new word of the year (so far) is going to be something about Less or Light. Light in spirit, light in body, light in owning/attachment to things, light in my heart, light in sunlight, less reacting, less financial stress, less bad self-talk, less anger.

I feel heavy and burdened from so much Yes. 

No is too extreme. 

Less. Light. 

I feel better already. 

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7 thoughts on “Depression Day 7.0

  1. A problem shared is a problem cut in half. No secrets. If you want to live a sober life you have to be honest with yourself and the people around you. And realize that alcoholism is with you EVERY DAY. The way to treat it is with prayer and meditation. Acceptance. Gratitude. And the depression will be lessened too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your boyfriend sounds so sweet and wise. I’m glad you shared with him and here too. I was a big secretive drinker and it wrecked me inside. It took awhile to learn deal with stress sober, but I see now how drinking literally made everything worse. It didn’t take anything away but stuffed it down sloppily and only temporarily and took away control I thought I had.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi! Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your battle of being alone with your thoughts and emotions. I just blogged about it actually. Choices is the blog if your interested!
    When we no longer choose not go to the bottle or drug of our choice, we really think, cause that’s all we can do. There’s nothing there to numb it, but, it helps you to really get clarity of the situation and not make a rash decision, instead you make a “quilt” free decision or choice. Keep going on that. Be alone with your thoughts and really weigh them out in positive ways. Try to focus on the good.
    As far as keeping secrets, that’s a definite NO for your own sobriety and your support system you have in place. You have to be open and communicate with the people trying to help you or you will never succeed.
    Keep strong and keep fighting. Your worth it!

    This is, Being Me Sober

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ginger Groundhog

    I know this is controversial but say yes to the depression, for now. I struggle with my mood and often try and stop the ‘black dog’ from coming through the door. That works sometime but not always. Sometimes you just have to let the dog in get comfortable for a bit and then move on. Unless you are unable to function due to depression, sometimes fighting it just prolongs the pain. By no means am I saying wallow in it or let it make a permanent home with you, just don’t resist too much. If you are like me, sometimes you can stop it in its tracks by being active or noticing it early but other times, especially in the depths of winter you need hot soup, a good book/movie, early nights and a supportive friend. Also you could look to get a S.A.D. lamp as it could be seasonal affective disorder along with all the stresses you have. Take care and be nice to yourself.

    Like

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