I have been listening to the Yoga Summit and yesterday was a Yoga Nidra regarding intentions. I first found yoga Nidra while reading a Martha Beck book. She struggled with sleeping through them. I thought they must be relaxing so I found an app.
Yesterday’s was so welcome. I was mentally & physically ready to let go. I was surprised where my heart went. It was really nothing new. But more a feeling of being lost and coming home.
The podcasts I have been listening too this week have all had the same base theme – coming home – home to your physical space, home on your mat, home in your body, home to your true self.
I have been leaving my ‘home’ for a while now, kind of the same time frame as when I started this relapse!
In this relationship I went 99% to his physical house. My kids worked there, I had a big garden there, we spent time in the field, we all attended his church, and he still pushed for more from me. He wanted me to stay overnight (nope, kids at home). He did offer to help me garden at my house, but I wanted to leave my space to be with him. The more I put down roots at his place, the easier it was to leave my space.
I find this very telling now. I was so excited to get out of my space. Granted, his farm is a dream come true for me, but I was so willing to give up mine. When he was concerned that I didn’t drink and the might spoil some ‘future fun’ I tried drinking again. I have always given up my space- physical & emotional to follow a man.
Even though it was a drunken fight on my part, I am seeing my underlying intention behind my frustration that night. (My first thought has been to throw out every word spoken because it had alcohol fumes on it.) Now I’m sensing in myself a feeling of looking to the external to find my home. His house, him, alcohol.
I need to stay on my own mat. I have actually enjoyed a staying ‘home’ this weekend. I spent time alone with each of my kids, shopping, sitting in the same room while they played games, watching a movie, cooking and cleaning together. I got up this morning to a clean house, full & cleaned out fridge & freezer and clean sheets. I had time to do yoga, read and organize. I have a bad asthma cough so I was also able to rest my voice and get plenty of healing sleep. I snuggled with my dog an I stayed close to sober blogs.
I was really scared on Friday that the sadness would overwhelm me. Sadness was there for sure, but I put INTENTION to my weekend and it helped. Creating that list on Friday was one of the best things I’ve done. (Use your Oprah voice here…I…Love….Lists..& bread lol) I maybe went a little crazy, but I also created lists for chores and homework. I love putting stickers, colors & Post-it notes on lists.
So for Intention Setting as a sober tool I give it a sparkly, green & purple polka-dotted heart sticker !!!