I finally drove in the car without listening to podcasts. At work, I sent everyone home to get them off overtime. They were thrilled. I crossed about a billion things off my to-do list during a quiet afternoon alone at the office. I finished my candy route and at home is wasn’t my night to cook. I started the new Stuart Woods book and barely made it to 8 pm bedtime.
The newest Yoga Church Podcast was on Boundaries. It has really been resonating with me. I have boundary issues. I love their examples as relating to yoga. Friends, I just DO NOT STAY ON MY OWN MAT. And I do not set healthy boundaries for myself in relationships.
Part of this stems from alcohol issues and part from family of origin and part from living alone for most of my life. I moved out at 17. Was married for 7 years and he travelled about 200 plus days a year. So, of the 53 years, I have been alone for well over 30 years. Making decisions, paying bills, raising special needs kids.
If I DON’T GET OFF MY MAT then nothing gets done. Well, that is how I see it.
I am finding out my theory is flawed though.
If I don’t get what I want, I will jump on your mat and show you. If you dont do what I want, then I will drink because life is hard and nobody understands what I want.
Supposedly this is what I am supposed to do, disengage. Let you do it wrong. Because it is only wrong to me. It may be perfect to you.
You might not be able of touch your toys because you broke your pelvis. And I’m all jumping on your mat and forcing you into a pose because I totally am an expert in this and I totally know what I’m doing, so much better than you. I can make it easier, more efficient and cost effective. So do it my way!
Ugh…it’s rather embarrassing how much I do this.
Then in relationships, I push and push. I need to know if this is the happy ending I am searching for, because I want the relationship to be easier, more efficient and cost effective. I don’t have time to invest in a product that won’t produce over time. (My management skills do not translate well to relationships!) But these, so far, are the skills I have honed from being alone.
As much as it hurts, I need to continue to be alone right now. Staying on my own mat. My sober mat needs to make its boundaries strong again.