Whenever a wave of sadness hits, I tell myself
- If this didn’t happen, I would still be drinking.
- I would still be drinking and pretending that it hadn’t gotten bad again.
- I would have been disengaged from my kids & dog,
- Work days were feeling longer and more stressful,
- My house was messier,
- My body was heavy & bloated, my clothes were uncomfortable.
I can’t have both. The relationship and drinking.
I had chosen drinking and it cost me a relationship.
But if the relationship had continued, I know my drinking would have.
I didn’t fully understand why people held their sobriety as so fragile. I loved my 7 months sober because I felt great. This relationship tested me and I failed (or won) because I can now define cunning, baffling and insidious.
I thought it was a cop-out when alcoholism was defined as a disease. I liked dis-ease, but not disease. I watched someone get a heart attack at 30. Undiagnosed diabetes was a big factor. But he was a strong normal young man with no symptoms. He now has to guard his lifestyle so carefully. For the first time I feel like my drinking feels like that.
In my relationship, he truly believed it was a willpower issue. I think deep down I did too. And when you love someone, you also tend to believe things together. He was never comfortable with my NOT drinking, but I thought I could do it. I know I ignored many warning signs.
I didn’t choose to stay sober. I’m chalking it up to my Year of Yes last year. I said yes to drinking and a relationship. Both things taught me many lessons. The biggest lesson is I can’t drink. I have a disease and I have to guard my lifestyle carefully.
If I had gotten to keep my relationship, I would still be drinking. I can’t say it enough. I don’t get both and stay healthy and sober. If I had guarded my sobriety would I still be in the relationship? Maybe it would have ended sooner or maybe it would have been better. I don’t get to know that anwer. It is part of the grieving process to mourn what could have been.
My body feels amazing sober, my lifestyle has become easy again but oh my head is sad. That will pass. My commitment to creating and maintaining a sober lifestyle is number one right now. In so many ways this event (my rock bottom moment) has been a gift. A second chance to be my best self.