A few rewards for myself while I travel and use the time to de-stress.
I’m fine. A good ole case of “The Overwhelms”. Kind of like Sponge Bob with The Suds. Basically, when there is less stress I will feel less angry.
I did find an amazing book, Rage by Ronald Potter-Efron. It is a guide to overcoming explosive anger. Besides definitely being an ‘Impotent Anger’ person, the line that struck home was, “Have you ever used anger to get your way?” Oh yeah…that would be called my childhood. I grew up with an explosive father.
At first I tried to get my head around, are you born thus way or is it your choice? Then I realized it is like the alcoholic questions, disease, genetic, choice, habit? It doesn’t really matter. And in the same fashion as dealing with alcohol, you need to make a daily choice to not choose rage.
Both the anger issue and the overwhelm issue are related to control. Mished-up, the Rage book and the therapist all quoted the Serenity Prayer to me. I am having some severe control issues.
I am gradually learning things about control.
- It is not ‘giving in’ when someone else says to me “You’re too controlling.”
- It isn’t about staying disorganized and free. I can still love my planners.
- It isn’t mean.
Control for me is:
- Not letting my kids make mistakes.
- Attaching emotions to outcomes.
- Having ‘stories’ why I can’t let an issue go.
- And when things don’t go my way, I get angry because I’m afraid.
Normally I can recognize that a no, or a brick wall leads to a new better path. But currently I’m stuck in an EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS place. There has been too many issues at once.
What I’ve done to support myself is:
- I have staff watching the offices until June.
- I have a mandatory one week travel to Kansas City, KS. I upgraded my room to the kind that has a living room so I can have a couch and some space.
- I’m taking my plan of a big garden off my plate. A small garden will be fine.
- I wish I could throw all my bills, laundry, dishes, cooking, seed starting, home repair and work out the door. But it is in my best interest to continue to keep doing these maintenance projects.
- Knowing that finishing some of my big issues, like getting my car repaired after hitting the deer, those are one and done things. That closure will help.
I’m going to try today to apply the Serenity Prayer to some issues. I have a day filled with appointments from 9 to 6. None of which can be changed. I can only change my attitude. My fear, my tight chest & short breathing comes from the thought, “Even though I finish these appointments and take them off my plate, more crisis will show up anyways and create even more obligations. It just won’t end!!!!”
I will see what I can do to challenge that thought today. (First, I will remind myself it is a ‘thought’ and I will put it on a leaf and watch it float down the river……lol).
I start a few rounds of therapy tomorrow. I reached out for help from my boyfriend, my staff and I cancelled commitments. I drank, I ate, I didn’t drink, I didn’t eat. I’ve had endless stomach upsets, too much chocolate, coffee & Chinese food. I’ve had house showings and that stress caused me to rip an entire $800 blind off the window in a rage. My ceiling collapsed from a roof leak. I have screamed at my kids and my dog. I threw a phone through a door at work. I have cried, I have had several mini panicked breathing attacks. A deer raced out of the ditch (she was texting I told the officer) and wrecked my car. Work is forcing me to travel for 5 days far beyond my comfort zone (my lazy boy) in 2 weeks. I have fallen and I can’t get up.
Other than that I’m fine. Which has been about 10 fine minutes this month….
What I’m telling the therapist, is that I can not complete a crisis before the next one starts. Literally. The rage that this is creating is immense. Yes, I self-medicated with alcohol but it didn’t help. (Surprise!) But I am trying every thing. Drink, no drink. Ice cream, no ice cream. Stay focused, push through, collapse, check out. Talk about it, hide it. Eat loads of hot spicy food, can’t swallow water. Patience, hyper. Isolate at home, work longer hours and not be home at all. I’m wondering what the therapist will see that I am missing.
I am trying. I told friends. I asked for help. But the rage… My boundaries are getting crossed and yet I am saying no. The world is not allowing my no. I am speaking the no. I am putting up my hand and showing no. I am not showing up to prove I mean no. But my no is not accepted. The world has threatened some awful things and what it is trying to get me to do is WRONG. I am supposed to agree to wrong things and I am saying no and it isn’t heard.
I think that should keep the therapist busy for an hour with me.