I’m fine. A good ole case of “The Overwhelms”. Kind of like Sponge Bob with The Suds. Basically, when there is less stress I will feel less angry.
I did find an amazing book, Rage by Ronald Potter-Efron. It is a guide to overcoming explosive anger. Besides definitely being an ‘Impotent Anger’ person, the line that struck home was, “Have you ever used anger to get your way?” Oh yeah…that would be called my childhood. I grew up with an explosive father.
At first I tried to get my head around, are you born thus way or is it your choice? Then I realized it is like the alcoholic questions, disease, genetic, choice, habit? It doesn’t really matter. And in the same fashion as dealing with alcohol, you need to make a daily choice to not choose rage.
Both the anger issue and the overwhelm issue are related to control. Mished-up, the Rage book and the therapist all quoted the Serenity Prayer to me. I am having some severe control issues.
I am gradually learning things about control.
- It is not ‘giving in’ when someone else says to me “You’re too controlling.”
- It isn’t about staying disorganized and free. I can still love my planners.
- It isn’t mean.
Control for me is:
- Not letting my kids make mistakes.
- Attaching emotions to outcomes.
- Having ‘stories’ why I can’t let an issue go.
- And when things don’t go my way, I get angry because I’m afraid.
Normally I can recognize that a no, or a brick wall leads to a new better path. But currently I’m stuck in an EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS place. There has been too many issues at once.
What I’ve done to support myself is:
- I have staff watching the offices until June.
- I have a mandatory one week travel to Kansas City, KS. I upgraded my room to the kind that has a living room so I can have a couch and some space.
- I’m taking my plan of a big garden off my plate. A small garden will be fine.
- I wish I could throw all my bills, laundry, dishes, cooking, seed starting, home repair and work out the door. But it is in my best interest to continue to keep doing these maintenance projects.
- Knowing that finishing some of my big issues, like getting my car repaired after hitting the deer, those are one and done things. That closure will help.
I’m going to try today to apply the Serenity Prayer to some issues. I have a day filled with appointments from 9 to 6. None of which can be changed. I can only change my attitude. My fear, my tight chest & short breathing comes from the thought, “Even though I finish these appointments and take them off my plate, more crisis will show up anyways and create even more obligations. It just won’t end!!!!”
I will see what I can do to challenge that thought today. (First, I will remind myself it is a ‘thought’ and I will put it on a leaf and watch it float down the river……lol).