Embracing Where I Am


Over the summer I instantly gained 15 pounds and “things” became irregular for this 54 year old woman. After stockpiling giant size boxes of tampons, I find I no longer need to spend $20 month on my every 28 days, for 40 years, blessing.

40 years. That is a long time. Longer than my sister was alive. 6 times longer than my marriage. And one year shy of my total time drinking.

Monthly hormones have always sent me to the box of wine. I am starting to put together this latest box craving with hormones. The funny thing is, I feel fine! No moodiness or hot flashes that my friends have. The hardest thing was the instant weight gain.

I had to buy 3X tops for my GBS. (giant boob syndrome for you A cuppers) I am uncomfortable in a new way in my body. Drinking to forget took on a new meaning this year. Having a manfriend has shown me that my private drinking slips out and does affect those around me. This also makes me uncomfortable. I want to isolate when I don’t get my way.

I wrote on real paper with a real pencil yesterday, my thoughts on embracing my weight right now and how to enjoy and appreciate different hours of the day. (I love my day up through noon, then it falls apart.) I’m going to incorporate some new rituals into the times I struggle. 3 pm & 6pm being bad ones. I bought new clothes despite the tag size. And, after 40 years, I need to choose a different path than the box of wine as my best companion.

I could have another 40 years on this earth. I would like to be able to reach past my boobs and tie my shoes for a least a few more years. I would like to have a conversation with my partner or kids in the evening instead of snoring in front of the TV from the wine. I want to look forward to all times of the day with the same joy and anticipation that I feel in the mornings.

Last year’s word of the year was REST. I wish I could do it again! It was a good one and I am still living by it. Word of the year has led me down paths I would never have walked. I’m looking forward to the next one embracing who I am.

2 thoughts on “Embracing Where I Am

  1. Drinking and hormones. I had so many issues when I was drinking heavily. Severe mood swings, and then years of no periods when I drank and starved.
    Not drinking didn’t solve everything, but it did allow me to see patterns I never noticed. Cipralex has controlled the mood swings, which is a huge relief after a lifetime of worrying how hysterical Or even suicidal i might get those 2-3 days a month.
    Hugs. Our bodies sometimes seem like they work against us!


    Liked by 2 people

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