2015 – Create
2016 – Do-er / Year of Yes
2017 – Rest
2018 – Permission
This word wasn’t even on my radar until this morning. I was hovering between love and maintenance.
Permission started creeping in last week. My boyfriend is one of those that will throw tons of ideas out there to get me to think. Every so often I feel a sharp sting and my eyes fill with tears. Some unconscious nerve ending gets touched. As soon as we see it, we start to go deeper. When I had to take something off my plate, we ran through the list of things I COULD NOT GIVE UP. He ran through each one until he said don’t go visit my family on Christmas. Bingo. Eyes water and pain in my heart. I cancelled my plans and I could relax again.
It happened again this week. When he mentioned that maybe it was time to let one of my staff go, the tears & the sting started. He reminded me that after her sting ends, she will probabaly be glad to be done doing taxes after 35 years. (As it turned out, she fell last week and her children grounded her 82 year old ass for the winter. I hope in 30 years my kids will have to ground me because I’m still working and running around, eating out and playing cards and driving after dark.)
This morning as I was trying to plan a massive amount of things to-do, I asked myself if it was necessary. Who was defining all this stuff as important? I started to recognize how I have a hidden “I Should…..” list in my heard. I Should:
- Count calories, carbs, sugars, fats
- Keep my house so clean that I never have dog fur in the corners
- Get everything ready at the office for the staff
- Keep the cars maintained
My overwhelming feeling here is “to-do” a bunch of stuff to avoid future problems. Once I get things “under control” and organized I will have the energy to deal with problems.
I gave myself PERMISSION this morning to NOT DO something. And not only that, but I gave myself PERMISSION to feel good about it.
I really expect a lot from myself, but not in a good way. When it comes to important stuff, like owning 3 businesses, I seem to devalue myself, but something like not doing the dishes, I will tell myself I’m a failure.
Not giving a f*** and giving myself permission are two things I have gotten confused. I want to work on that this year. I still battle with permission to embrace success. Self-sabotage is something I would love to get beyond.
And I think one of my hardest lessons with permission will be (cue tears & sharp sting in heart) to put my needs first.