Permission To Turn Around

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I made steak & shrimp Alfredo. I was bringing it out to the farm to share the meal but it had started snowing. It was dark and I couldn’t see well. By the time I got to the end of town (half a mile) I knew I didn’t want to face the country roads and I TURNED AROUND & WENT BACK. That’s not how I usually do things.

I even said to myself, “What if I gave myself permission to turn around?” Doves didn’t release, stars didn’t sparkle brighter, I didn’t even feel a deep sense of relief. I just went back home.

When I got home I just did normal stuff.

I did think, “Wow, I didn’t go see a guy (even though I had seen him 2 hours earlier) I didn’t choose the expectation of a fun night over just making a good decision. That deserves a drink!!”

Seriously. I thought that.

I made a good decision = have a drink to celebrate.

Turning around on a snowy night – No big deal. Turning around when there is an expectation of fun with a man – that’s a big deal.

The men in my life have the, unknown to them, requirement that they are in charge of my self-worth. Poor guys! Yep, I am that clingy girlfriend. Not trusting because of past experiences and rather moody.

Last night I chose more than to turn around. I gave myself permission to be okay when my expectations didn’t get met. I put the food in the fridge. I went on with my night. I gave myself permission to NOT tie my self-worth to someone else. IT WAS HARD.

Adding some feel sorry for myself wine would have thrown fuel on this and I would have ended the night so sad because the kids were gone and we could have had a great evening if only it wasn’t snowing…wah…wah… I would have woken up with swollen eyes and a big headache.

Permission to NOT throw alcohol on this everyday, random, normal life decision. When I think like this, there is no doubt of how deep the addiction is for me and why staying sober is hard work.

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4 thoughts on “Permission To Turn Around

  1. Ha! No doves or sparkles! But you are taking care of yourself and detaching your sense of self from external stuff, people that love you will appreciate that you are caring for yourself. That deserves a reward and drinking is so NOT a reward. You rock for dealing with a very hard week and staying sober!

    Liked by 1 person

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