Fear…Of Course….Or…..

Standard

I have been reading a lot of novels. My escape when I can’t escape with alcohol. Sometimes the reading makes me want to drink…except it’s 4 am.

“…you will fall in love, and when it’s real, you will stop being afraid.”

And for the past two years I got to take a break from fear. I know it’s just a novel and not true psycho babble, but it struck a nerve.

That adrenaline rush of fear is back. I am working to calm it.

Re-reading some of my blog posts from 3 and 4 years ago, I have more experience and better tools and am in a much better financial place. The rub for me is that I was able to better my circumstances from having a partner in my life.

A partner gives a little edge to the everyday. Just 5 minutes watching a kid, one extra burrito made, an extra box lifted, even paying for a gallon of milk. Such tiny things matter. In order to just survive, I have to once again make my life smaller. I don’t get to have even one tiny thing anymore.

For a little while I got to spread my wings and was thrilled with what I accomplished these last two years. Now, I have to move back or eliminate some of my dreams.

It was wonderful to have someone do a simple thing just because I was liked. (My staff is fantastic to me but I pay them!) But now, there is nothing once again. No help unless I write a check (like this morning when I finally got the dishwasher replaced). Because of my work, I have been unable to be home to let in the repairman for three months. (And yes, I did ask for help and got no’s for answers.)

That is where a partner makes a difference in getting ahead. It’s why I’m so sad. I have to go back to standing still in life. Just surviving one crisis to the next.

As those who are single understand, you can heal, but you don’t get to get better. Watching an ex thrive because they have a partner sucks. Watching your mom fail to thrive after losing a child sucks. Even reading stories, authors don’t end books with everyone dying or leaving, and the protagonist is alone and scared. No one wants this.

I sure don’t want this. But this is what is on my plate right now. I guess it isn’t even fear, it’s more a certainty that brings sadness. Back to doing it all myself.

☆☆ ☆I wrote this yesterday. I feel better today. I like that I am brutally honest about my feelings. All day I wondered if I would publish the words. I wasn’t sure if I wanted these words to be my story. My word of the year is PERMISSION. I’m giving myself permission to decide if I want to own that story of ‘Alone & Scared’ even ‘Victim’.

(Kind of channelling Byron Katie) I am trying, “And what happens if I don’t…….” What if I don’t make my life smaller, but bigger? What if I actually thrive and get better? What if this wasn’t a life defining moment but a life changing/enhancing/learning moment? Do I want to go backwards?

I think writing this out gave space between feelings and beliefs. It’s okay to FEEL this sadness and fear, but I don’t want to choose to LIVE a life of sadness and fear.

Advertisements

New York and Back to Real Life

Standard

It was good to take a break. We had a fantastic time. Trying to push through some depressed feelings, though not surprising. Transition from vacation back to work, a breakup blindside, a few weeks left of tax season, while juggling end of senior high school year and meeting with college special ed program directors, and still no dishwasher since January. Overwhelming and chaotic. In just a few weeks, it’s all over and the empty expanse of summer will flip my life again. One problem, one day, one moment at a time. Just trying to breathe through it all. My boys great great grandfather designed Central Park. They have heard it all their lives, but it became real as they walked through it.

On My Way

Standard

With just a few hours to pack between the last client and leaving for NYC this morning I keep channeling The Band Perry, “what I never did is done…” from the haunting song If I Die Young.

What I never did is done….

  • Smile at a kid
  • Pack – lol
  • Eat healthy
  • Drink/not drink
  • Relax
  • Travel

It’s time to let the stress go and focus on the moment. Stop waiting to “get it all done” before I _____ ( fill in the blank).

What I never did is done……

Scary Night

Standard

For the first time in my life, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. Not in a suicidal way. It was more of a feeling like tomorrow will be worse and I don’t want to go…

I love my mornings and look forward to each new day. This was such an unusual feeling for me.

The rug got pulled out from under me and I’m still trying to stay upright even though I know I need to fall off. I really do want to fall off! but people (staff, clients) depend on me. That feeling of almost falling, catching yourself, almost falling, heart racing, arms flailing. I think it’s name is anxiety.

I woke up with the same dread.

I’m trying to embrace it, since right now it falls under “things I cannot change”.

My “wisdom to know the difference” reminds me this is a normal response to one of the most stressful times of a tax season. The 2 weeks between when farm taxes are due and corporations. Adrenaline carries me up to and through the first part. Stubbornness gets me through the next. And now both my adrenal highs have pooped out.

This adventure of New York I am not ready for. I will have to just go unprepared. I can accept that, though I despise the feeling.

The grief though. It’s pervasive. It eats me from the inside.

I’m noticing that I’m short with my best friends who are also my staff. They are also exhausted and looking to me to lead.

In 4 days, I get on a bus and won’t have to lead. I only need to be a part of a group. My only choices will be what flavor of New York pizza will I pick. I want to be excited but I feel so flat.

I am doing all the right self-care things, but they also feel robotic. Not loving.

I was going to stop blogging until I was through the worst. (And it will get better, I know!) But I need you guys right now. Your {virtual} hugs mean so much to me.

Saturday Night Widows

Standard

In an effort to deal with my overwhelming grief, I found a book.

No.

The book found me.

It kept appearing in the “other titles you may like” of every other search I was doing.

I went to Overdrive and amazingly, there was no wait list. I was hooked from the start.

I devoured it.

It broke me open.

I am not alone.

Here & Gone Again

Standard

Things have not gone well these last two months.

And this week they got worse.

One spectacular bright spot though, is my son got accepted into college. At his 3 year old IEP meeting, I was asked what my goal was for him. I had only dreamed that it might be possible for him to attend mainstream kindergarden. They said it was a long shot….

That’s a little how I’m feeling right now. My next life choices feel like a long shot. I think I have had enough grief for six lifetimes, thank you God.

And on the flip side to that dark note, we are off to New York for the band trip! The school opened it up to parents to fill the extra bus. I decided to go along and also take my other son. So the three of us will go next week to NY. It will most likely be our last big family vacation. And I don’t have to plan, drive, find hotels or get tickets. I wrote a big check and now I just show up.

Then when I get back, I have to create a new life again due to more losses.

I have been frantically using my WOTY “permission”. I have also been using the phrase “And what if I dont….” I start with the thought “I need to….” and catch myself. Almost always the finishing answer is that whatever I NEED to do, really isn’t.

And the flip side to that is, I NEED to do some really hard things that are important.

Right now 0 and 10 are the only places I’m living. This is not my choice. I am finding joy amidst grief but it sucks to live here. Having been down this road, I know it all ends with time and ends up becoming a better life.

So goodbye again until my trip, tax season, and my grief all ease up. See you on the flip side of this crazy time.