Here & Gone Again

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Things have not gone well these last two months.

And this week they got worse.

One spectacular bright spot though, is my son got accepted into college. At his 3 year old IEP meeting, I was asked what my goal was for him. I had only dreamed that it might be possible for him to attend mainstream kindergarden. They said it was a long shot….

That’s a little how I’m feeling right now. My next life choices feel like a long shot. I think I have had enough grief for six lifetimes, thank you God.

And on the flip side to that dark note, we are off to New York for the band trip! The school opened it up to parents to fill the extra bus. I decided to go along and also take my other son. So the three of us will go next week to NY. It will most likely be our last big family vacation. And I don’t have to plan, drive, find hotels or get tickets. I wrote a big check and now I just show up.

Then when I get back, I have to create a new life again due to more losses.

I have been frantically using my WOTY “permission”. I have also been using the phrase “And what if I dont….” I start with the thought “I need to….” and catch myself. Almost always the finishing answer is that whatever I NEED to do, really isn’t.

And the flip side to that is, I NEED to do some really hard things that are important.

Right now 0 and 10 are the only places I’m living. This is not my choice. I am finding joy amidst grief but it sucks to live here. Having been down this road, I know it all ends with time and ends up becoming a better life.

So goodbye again until my trip, tax season, and my grief all ease up. See you on the flip side of this crazy time.

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