Scary Night

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For the first time in my life, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. Not in a suicidal way. It was more of a feeling like tomorrow will be worse and I don’t want to go…

I love my mornings and look forward to each new day. This was such an unusual feeling for me.

The rug got pulled out from under me and I’m still trying to stay upright even though I know I need to fall off. I really do want to fall off! but people (staff, clients) depend on me. That feeling of almost falling, catching yourself, almost falling, heart racing, arms flailing. I think it’s name is anxiety.

I woke up with the same dread.

I’m trying to embrace it, since right now it falls under “things I cannot change”.

My “wisdom to know the difference” reminds me this is a normal response to one of the most stressful times of a tax season. The 2 weeks between when farm taxes are due and corporations. Adrenaline carries me up to and through the first part. Stubbornness gets me through the next. And now both my adrenal highs have pooped out.

This adventure of New York I am not ready for. I will have to just go unprepared. I can accept that, though I despise the feeling.

The grief though. It’s pervasive. It eats me from the inside.

I’m noticing that I’m short with my best friends who are also my staff. They are also exhausted and looking to me to lead.

In 4 days, I get on a bus and won’t have to lead. I only need to be a part of a group. My only choices will be what flavor of New York pizza will I pick. I want to be excited but I feel so flat.

I am doing all the right self-care things, but they also feel robotic. Not loving.

I was going to stop blogging until I was through the worst. (And it will get better, I know!) But I need you guys right now. Your {virtual} hugs mean so much to me.

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4 thoughts on “Scary Night

  1. Many hugs to you! You are strong and capable and obviously a very good mom. You’ll make it through. Apologize when you are short with friends (acknowlegement goes a long way and it is NOT a sign of failure), ask for as much help as you can and keep taking care of yourself even if it feels inauthentic. Your honest posts have helped me so much and I thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope your NY trip is just the thing you need. Chronic stress and winter tend to hit me hard with depression. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Wishing you a wonderful trip and break from routine.

    Liked by 1 person

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