Playing Mind Games

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Since I’m back to counting days, I’m playing a game with myself. Sometimes, ahem…always…that time between 3 & 6 gets harrowing for me. Anxious, tired, more than a little fear of a long evening ahead of me. Once it hits 6 and I haven’t started drinking, things quiet in my head. So my game to myself is…once it hits 6, I can put in my planner – Day 2 ♡ Day 3 ☆ etc. Knowing if I hang tough just a little bit longer each night, I can ‘win’ the night at 6! Then I can relax the rest of the night.

After years of planning rewards for myself, the evening rewards are the hardest. I’m just too tired. People always surprise me with the amount of shame they give me about being unproductive after 3. Like it’s not okay that my brain starts working at 4am while theirs doesn’t kick in until 10am. I heard an interview with Mark Wahlberg and he said in order to get done what he needs, his day sometimes starts at 2am and he goes to bed about 7pm. HA! I tell my nay sayer shaming friends.

My longest time sober came when I slept and woke up according to my own comfortable biological clock. And for me 6 is the end.

Back To Basics

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I didn’t get a planner this year. I was trying to let go of being over-scheduled. As Permission is my Word of the Year, I wanted to challenge some “pre-existing conditions”.

I did fairly well throuh my busy work season, but as soon as I was home more, I just floundered. My new planner finally arrived and I can’t believe the difference in my mental health. Paper & pencil (and colored pens & stickers) are who I am. Tactile not touch screen!

I was also giving myself permission to be much more frugal in my lifestyle. Saving money is always a plus but when I didn’t have my planner, I just kind of…. sat. My to-do piles have become the biggest they have been since my ‘becoming sober journey’ began. I have relaxed back into buying convenience items, well…. for convenience.

Without writing down my 3 Rewards a day, my sober self is much harder to find. My new favorite quote came from this month’s Yoga Journal, “Sometimes we see self-care as triage – something we turn to as we are falling apart. But self-care is really about daily choices. It’s about healthy boundaries, dedicated practice and everyday rituals.”

That’s what my planner does for me and why I felt so disconnected without it. I needed my everyday rituals.