I Tried To Anticipate the Ending


I have done a crappy job of taking care of my head this summer. My physical self-care wasn’t too terrible, but the swing between controlling everything and controlling nothing has gotten crazy. (Well…in all honesty, there was no controlling nothing.)

My controlling everything has gone crazy.

Just last night I found out that what I thought is not true at all. In order to avoid feeling pain, I made up an ending in my head so I would be ‘prepared’ when it happened.

I remember my sister signed her own DNR and hospice papers and then went into the kitchen to finish setting up the TV to record future episodes. (She didn’t get to control her body so she continued to control her environment.) Then she went to bed and never got up again.

Coming from a household of an abusive father, passive mother and childhood cancer has led me towards the controlling side of life. The more I control, the less horrific the outcome. Faulty yes, but a fairly common response.

I know you are all screaming Serenity Prayer here, but the thing about that is having the wisdom to know the difference. In my sisters case, lack of O2 and pain meds were a good reason, in my own case….I think I’m more Jack Nicholson – I can’t handle the truth….

The truth being – I don’t know the ending. Never will.

I would like to live the Serenity Prayer in my daily life. I’m going to work on that today.