Lonliness

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Boy did the chapter on lonliness hit hard. I still feel like I can’t catch my breath. Definitely some soul searching needs to happen on this topic.

I want to enjoy cleaning

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One of the things I think I will enjoy when tax season is over and I have months of free time is….cleaning. I imagine puttering around the house, having time to gut a room or rearrange a drawer.

I wonder what my neighbor, who has 4 children, a business and a home decorating blog mean when they say, “I was just at Target and found this sweet little rug for the bath.”

I want that.

I want that perceived “feeling” that there is time in life to shop without duress. Time to marvel at a small thing. Time to put all else aside and look at the beauty of change.

I imagine the only way she can have this, is because everything else in her life is in perfect order so she can then do her passion.

The reality…she is just like me. Our kids are friends and she has struggles in life of course. But what I envy is her ease with clean, simple & beautiful. She is wonderful to be around because she is calm.

I’m the bull in the china shop. I’m loud and lumbering and my home does not give me peace. It’s messy, dirty and dark. I make excuses. My math heavy brain has a hard time with beauty and light.

I think if I had more time then I could enjoy this “feeling” of bonding with my home.

I’m finally to the point of not taking care of kids. They fend well for themselves and now I’m really just the entertainment committee. My excuse of parenting is over. My excuse of work is almost over for the season. I really have no more excuse of not choosing myself first.

Of the IG, Pinterest ideas I follow and save, this is the one I have not truly done for myself. I cook and garden, but somewhere I have a passion for a pretty home that I just can’t figure out. It has always seemed a bit frivolous. Kind of like pretty clothes. I need comfort and function and I never quite match. My home feels the same.

I have been a bit restless thinking about just gardening and cooking this summer. I might change my course and work on my home instead. Try to find that “feeling” of being in love with my home.

7

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I want to give a shout out to donuts and ice cream🍦for helping me through the week.

And last night I was freezing. I had a cup of decaf. Bad idea. I was still awake at midnight. I finally got up and had two mini bagels loaded with butter, two big glasses of apple juice an a benadryl/alleve tablet. The carb equivalent of a bottle of wine with a sleep chaser. Full belly & lots of sugar put me in sleep coma finally.

Also, don’t read Molly’s Game before bed!! Can’t put it down and it’s loaded with excitement. The movie is excellent too!!

End of 4

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Tried to do a good thing and celebrate ending a tough day and ordered pizza. Instead of getting what I wanted I got something they might like. Ended up no one liked it. Must remember to not put kids first when it’s MY celebration!!

I shall redeem myself and order MORE food just for me today. Lol