Summer Malaise


The moment when dry, hot & depression finally gets to me. The simplest of things are so hard to get done. I’m short with my kids who are also feeling the same. Long summer days off but wanting the energy to do more. Just kind of waiting until school starts and things get back on schedule and then regret that I didn’t do more right now.

I ended my relationship that wasn’t giving me back what I put into it. (He only wants to be friends.) It broke my heart to do the right thing for me.

Then a big falling out with the ONE social thing I do. It was that moment when you talk to the person one on one and think you can get it resolved and it goes way in left field. The other person resigned before I did. I was asked to stay so I have tentatively said yes. It was a happy place for me and now it’s just stressful. If it doesn’t relax I will have to walk away for my own peace of mind.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is it me? Is it the heat? Is it lack of schedule? I know in both situations I had to say something. In one I deserve back what I give and in the other I just plain deserve respect.

I am terribly lonely. I wasn’t lonely like this before I started my relationship. Now that I realize how nice it was to have a partner I really want to find that.

And I was enjoying being part of a group and making new friends. Now that just makes me feel alone as I was the only one who said something.

I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m getting too old to find a partner and I’m needing to start downsizing. And I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with arrogance.

(In balance to this – I have so much that I’m grateful for! And a good 85% of my day is good.) But I needed to put that other crap out there cuz it’s hanging out in my head way too much.

I’m trying to remind myself that when I look back at this time I may not even remember it. It is just part of the journey.

4 thoughts on “Summer Malaise

  1. Jaime

    I really relate to your loneliness. I’m lonely often, though I am rarely alone. I know that everything is temporary and my loneliness won’t last. I’m with you on the running out of time part, running out of Summertime and dreading Winter. Since I work under deadlines, I seem more aware how closely Winter looms and how quickly time passes. I just remind myself that today is the only day that counts and I have the power to make it great.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous

    I have been following you for several years and have been very inspired by your journey. I have never commented before but you seem so down today. Just wanted to let you know your writing is having an impact – your openness about your ups and down, including your current malaise and loneliness is so refreshing. From my perspective, you have faced your challenges with an open heart and a lot of courage and come so far. You are definitely not too old for anything. Thank you, a grateful reader

    Liked by 1 person

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