I have been reading a lot of novels. My escape when I can’t escape with alcohol. Sometimes the reading makes me want to drink…except it’s 4 am.
“…you will fall in love, and when it’s real, you will stop being afraid.”
And for the past two years I got to take a break from fear. I know it’s just a novel and not true psycho babble, but it struck a nerve.
That adrenaline rush of fear is back. I am working to calm it.
Re-reading some of my blog posts from 3 and 4 years ago, I have more experience and better tools and am in a much better financial place. The rub for me is that I was able to better my circumstances from having a partner in my life.
A partner gives a little edge to the everyday. Just 5 minutes watching a kid, one extra burrito made, an extra box lifted, even paying for a gallon of milk. Such tiny things matter. In order to just survive, I have to once again make my life smaller. I don’t get to have even one tiny thing anymore.
For a little while I got to spread my wings and was thrilled with what I accomplished these last two years. Now, I have to move back or eliminate some of my dreams.
It was wonderful to have someone do a simple thing just because I was liked. (My staff is fantastic to me but I pay them!) But now, there is nothing once again. No help unless I write a check (like this morning when I finally got the dishwasher replaced). Because of my work, I have been unable to be home to let in the repairman for three months. (And yes, I did ask for help and got no’s for answers.)
That is where a partner makes a difference in getting ahead. It’s why I’m so sad. I have to go back to standing still in life. Just surviving one crisis to the next.
As those who are single understand, you can heal, but you don’t get to get better. Watching an ex thrive because they have a partner sucks. Watching your mom fail to thrive after losing a child sucks. Even reading stories, authors don’t end books with everyone dying or leaving, and the protagonist is alone and scared. No one wants this.
I sure don’t want this. But this is what is on my plate right now. I guess it isn’t even fear, it’s more a certainty that brings sadness. Back to doing it all myself.
☆☆ ☆I wrote this yesterday. I feel better today. I like that I am brutally honest about my feelings. All day I wondered if I would publish the words. I wasn’t sure if I wanted these words to be my story. My word of the year is PERMISSION. I’m giving myself permission to decide if I want to own that story of ‘Alone & Scared’ even ‘Victim’.
(Kind of channelling Byron Katie) I am trying, “And what happens if I don’t…….” What if I don’t make my life smaller, but bigger? What if I actually thrive and get better? What if this wasn’t a life defining moment but a life changing/enhancing/learning moment? Do I want to go backwards?
I think writing this out gave space between feelings and beliefs. It’s okay to FEEL this sadness and fear, but I don’t want to choose to LIVE a life of sadness and fear.