Not feeling Feelings today

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Don’t feel like writing about ginormous feelings this morning. I did a bit of meditation and the angst of over-thinking calmed. I’m always shocked where I locate the tension in my body. This morning it was ankles, shoulders and my tongue. Weird!

Yesterday at work we had a baby shower/pizza lunch with one of my staff who had her baby. Normally we lunch together every month all year whether working or not. We realized we had gone an entire year! (due to babies, jobs, vacations, etc.) We laughed until we cried & peed our pants. OMG I have so missed girlfriends, and I have missed laughing!

13 days left of tax season. I know because I have a big outdoor countdown sign at each office!! People walking in or that have driven by love it. It still feels like forever to me.

Finished 4 days sober and it’s been a little tough. It’s why I write every morning, even if it’s boring. It helps me stay here.

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Three Doors Article

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Read a great article this morning https://sherecovers.co/three-doors-its-your-choice/

What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?

  • Not care if other people looked at me gardening in my yard.
  • Fence in my yard.
  • Fix my front porch.
  • Trade cars.
  • Quit drinking.
  • Spend money on clothes.
  • Get regular mani/pedi.
  • Feel comfortable that people are looking at me! (And they tell me they are…I saw you mowing…I saw you gardening…I saw you walking the dog..I saw you out washing the car…small town is crazy!)

It’s always interesting to just free flow thoughts!!

People actually look at me all day long, but I don’t worry about how I look at work because I am confident there. They have come to purchase my intellect. (I used to hide my IQ since smart girls didn’t have boyfriends.) I am finally at peace with my brain and it shows. Clients comment often on my passion for numbers, something they despise.

I would love to find that same confidence about my body!

So how does that free flow thought process tie to Door #3?

I’m pretty much a Door #2 girl. I get a lot of pleasure from taking care of others, but reading the Door #2 definition sounds not so good. I’ve been noticing how much I will need to let go as my son moves out in a couple months. Who am I without the constant care for my special needs son? (My younger one is quiet and doesn’t demand the high intensity of the older one.)

There is a sense of relief for sure. But a definate disquiet about how much I have put on hold. It’s waking up a feeling of “Who am I?” “Who do I choose to be?” “How exactly do I want to spend the hours of my day?”

In two weeks I will only be working 12 hours a week (two short 6 hour days) for 8 months. That’s a lot of alone time! It’s scary and exciting all at once. I have been working to create this lifestyle and now it’s here. I want to be a Door #3 girl. Confident and adventurous and taking care of myself first.

Hiding the Wine Goblet

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Emptying out the new dishwasher my son showed me how he pushed the wine glasses back where I couldn’t reach them. HAHA Very funny, I said. Besides showing off how much taller he is than me, he sent me a not so subtle diss.

Both my boys have been involved in my decision to not drink. They have watched me succeed and fail. And most importantly, they have watched me try and try again. They definitely get that it’s hard to quit!

They give me the kind of encouragement that I like. One quick little statement and then acceptance. Understanding that adults get to make their own choices, good or bad.

I have shown them that same respect too. Several years ago, I asked my son to watch his feelings and behavior after he drank pop. He now tells his friends he is sober from soda for 3 years. I brought home some gorgeous cupcakes that I had been given as a thank you gift, and he wouldn’t even take a bite. He said he can’t eat rich food like that anymore. And it’s true for him! (I cant believe I even said – come on, one bite won’t hurt!) He can say no because it affects him differently than others. No big long reasons or excuses or even pressure from his mom.

Explaining to my other son that the ‘wine glass’ isn’t really a wine glass at all, it’s a very pretty (Pioneer Woman purple) water goblet. I asked him to move it back to the front and I told him I would use it for water from now on. (And I have!) I can’t change his mind about how he feels about my wine glass but I can show him that I will keep trying once again.

Begin Again

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I took the weekend to battle some demons. ‘Eat, Drink and be Merry ‘ wasn’t. And I needed that.

Waiting for the fog of despair to lift, I gave it a final send off. I indulged in everything I thought was “forbidden”. (My own self-imposed “forbidden” rules.)

Sadly – or happily – I am glad to report that none of what I thought was guilty pleasures, truly was.

I joined Weight Watchers again several weeks ago and through tracking have really noticed how badly my food choices had become.

I have re-established my sober blogging, reading and writing, and it has awakened me to how far off sober track I have gotten.

I had a vision of myself. It was pretty good (pre-breakup)! But when I looked at what is ACTUALLY happening, it was no wonder how hard I fell. I thought I was doing lots of self-care, but it was just a lot of self-medication in disguise.

Part of my WOTY ‘permission’ journey has been to let go of old ruts. List making and the research behind it, is one of my favorite things to do. I can take hours creating meals for the week, researching the ads, cookbooks, Pinterest, cleaning the fridge & freezer. And then we all eat frozen chicken patties because I’m exhausted. So, I gave up list making.

My son came up to me, colored pens in my hand and surrounded by my beautiful planners and recipe box, “Mom! I thought you were trying to stop! Are you making lists?!”

“Yes, yes I am!” I proudly declared. “And if feels soooo good!!” He found that hysterical.

I ate, drank, over-thank and made lists all weekend. The only thing that gave me True Joy was my lists. Permission to keep the JOY and let the over-eating, over-drinking and over-thinking go.

Fear…Of Course….Or…..

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I have been reading a lot of novels. My escape when I can’t escape with alcohol. Sometimes the reading makes me want to drink…except it’s 4 am.

“…you will fall in love, and when it’s real, you will stop being afraid.”

And for the past two years I got to take a break from fear. I know it’s just a novel and not true psycho babble, but it struck a nerve.

That adrenaline rush of fear is back. I am working to calm it.

Re-reading some of my blog posts from 3 and 4 years ago, I have more experience and better tools and am in a much better financial place. The rub for me is that I was able to better my circumstances from having a partner in my life.

A partner gives a little edge to the everyday. Just 5 minutes watching a kid, one extra burrito made, an extra box lifted, even paying for a gallon of milk. Such tiny things matter. In order to just survive, I have to once again make my life smaller. I don’t get to have even one tiny thing anymore.

For a little while I got to spread my wings and was thrilled with what I accomplished these last two years. Now, I have to move back or eliminate some of my dreams.

It was wonderful to have someone do a simple thing just because I was liked. (My staff is fantastic to me but I pay them!) But now, there is nothing once again. No help unless I write a check (like this morning when I finally got the dishwasher replaced). Because of my work, I have been unable to be home to let in the repairman for three months. (And yes, I did ask for help and got no’s for answers.)

That is where a partner makes a difference in getting ahead. It’s why I’m so sad. I have to go back to standing still in life. Just surviving one crisis to the next.

As those who are single understand, you can heal, but you don’t get to get better. Watching an ex thrive because they have a partner sucks. Watching your mom fail to thrive after losing a child sucks. Even reading stories, authors don’t end books with everyone dying or leaving, and the protagonist is alone and scared. No one wants this.

I sure don’t want this. But this is what is on my plate right now. I guess it isn’t even fear, it’s more a certainty that brings sadness. Back to doing it all myself.

☆☆ ☆I wrote this yesterday. I feel better today. I like that I am brutally honest about my feelings. All day I wondered if I would publish the words. I wasn’t sure if I wanted these words to be my story. My word of the year is PERMISSION. I’m giving myself permission to decide if I want to own that story of ‘Alone & Scared’ even ‘Victim’.

(Kind of channelling Byron Katie) I am trying, “And what happens if I don’t…….” What if I don’t make my life smaller, but bigger? What if I actually thrive and get better? What if this wasn’t a life defining moment but a life changing/enhancing/learning moment? Do I want to go backwards?

I think writing this out gave space between feelings and beliefs. It’s okay to FEEL this sadness and fear, but I don’t want to choose to LIVE a life of sadness and fear.

New York and Back to Real Life

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It was good to take a break. We had a fantastic time. Trying to push through some depressed feelings, though not surprising. Transition from vacation back to work, a breakup blindside, a few weeks left of tax season, while juggling end of senior high school year and meeting with college special ed program directors, and still no dishwasher since January. Overwhelming and chaotic. In just a few weeks, it’s all over and the empty expanse of summer will flip my life again. One problem, one day, one moment at a time. Just trying to breathe through it all. My boys great great grandfather designed Central Park. They have heard it all their lives, but it became real as they walked through it.

On My Way

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With just a few hours to pack between the last client and leaving for NYC this morning I keep channeling The Band Perry, “what I never did is done…” from the haunting song If I Die Young.

What I never did is done….

  • Smile at a kid
  • Pack – lol
  • Eat healthy
  • Drink/not drink
  • Relax
  • Travel

It’s time to let the stress go and focus on the moment. Stop waiting to “get it all done” before I _____ ( fill in the blank).

What I never did is done……