The Future & the Call of Sanity

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Before coaching call:

Two weeks ago I lost 3.5 pounds in a week. Since I’m trying to lose weight you would think that would make me happy. Instead I panicked. I ate anything I could to slow the weight loss.

My panic thought was …  I’m not ready.

This same feeling of panic reminded me of the very beginning of being sober. I could tell that the new sober me was vey different than alcoholic me. I was scared of the future. I was uncomfortable meeting this new sober me. Everything was changing. Even though it’s a good change, a change is still a change. And change is hard.

In losing weight my boobs are bigger than my belly again. Yesterday a truck of guys turned around to drive slowly past me to watch my boobs wiggle. I hate this. This is why being fat & drunk & isolating keeps people away.

I have a weight loss coaching call soon & wanted to get my “before” feelings out before I spoke with her.

After Coaching call:

First she said, it is wrong for others to comment on how someone looks. She was over 300 pounds and she said people wouldn’t wait on her in stores, they yelled out names. After losing over half her body weight, she says she is not invisible anymore.

Second, maybe because I am single I may feel ultra sensitive.

Third, it was most likely a week with water weight.

Fourth, it is okay for me to slow down and get used to my new self. I don’t have to lose weight until I am ready. Keep the focus on health.

Fifth, I need to work on not letting how others see me affect how I feel. I can’t keep people from judging me based on my looks but I can control my reaction to it. Aarrgh, this is the hard one!!

Sixth, I need to continue to work on getting out of my own head and remember that I am losing weight & getting sober to become healthy. My action plan was to use meditation and yoga with the focus being healthy on the inside.

Seventh, do not eat or drink at losers who yell out their truck. Then they win and I relapse. (This is kind of #5 – I can’t control people, places or things – just my response.)

I like coaches….and therapists….and friends. They can see my big picture when I am isolated in my head.

7 thoughts on “The Future & the Call of Sanity”

  2. mishedup

    YES!
    it comes in time, and it is so freeing.
    Now, ever minute of every day..well, no. But most of the time, and when i start to try and move into someone else’s head and my idea of what they are thinking about me..well, he insanity becomes obvious right? LOL….

    i really love 6….just focus on staying sober and healthy, everything else will come in time.
    you’re doing great!

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  3. Dahling, no ONE THING could ever define you, you’re too fabulous. I tend to err on the side of “fuck you” (in my head!! I’m not crazy..wellll) when someone doesn’t appear to like me. What’s not to like?? For the most part, I’ve found that most humans are SO SELF INVOLVED that they are usually worried about what people think of themselves, rather than being concerned with you. Re comments or looks from strangers: mean people suck! They are unhappy trolls. Think that at in your head when you feel disparaged: “Troll!”

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