Been here before.
*Note to self * Please read miracle lessons #40 and #41 again before you make any decisions. Do the meditation & breathing techniques. This is your own self from this morning sending you strength to get thru the evening.
Made it by the skin of my teeth. What a weird expression! If our grocery store didn’t close at 6 on Sundays it might have been different last night. I am very grateful to wake up not hungover this morning BUT now have to feel sad. At least a hangover was a distraction from emotions.
Meassages from the universe keep telling me that these days will be up & down but they will settle later. I can listen to the words of the universe or I can do it my way.
I have an easy supper ready to go after an extra long day of work today. My plan is that I will come home & eat before anything else. I think I should also take a quick shower & put on warm jammies right away to avoid the temptation to leave the house.
My reward tonight will be soft jammies, sitting in front of the fire & watching one hour of TV. My intention will be: A long day is rewarded with extra self-care.
“Hey Mr. Owl – How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Let’s see – a one, a two, a three CRUNCH. Three.” Remember that commercial? That is exactly how I feel on day three’s. I’m good, I’m good, I’m good, I crack! I want there to be something more than the same thing day after day. Alcohol seemed to stir things up a little. I might watch a movie or favorite TV shows but add alcohol. I wouldn’t do anything different just get away from the boredom a little.
Changing patterns was the theme I heard from the universe today in my readings. I thought about getting a movie tonight, but I know that is a big trigger for me. It’s best to use the money I would have spent on wine and GO to the movie. (We are rather snowed in here so that isn’t an option tonight unfortunately.)
Yesterday my reward was taco salad. It has a sweet & spicy hot dressing and these classic taco chips.
I ate it while watching my favorite cooking shows.
Today I spent some time working on my rewards tabs on this site. I was surprised at the different kinds of rewards that appealed to me. I’m very excited about the 10 day sober reward of 10 different stems of flowers. I added a countdown counter to help encourage myself.
I’m feeling pretty on the edge today. I’m going to make a black olive curry appetizer and listen to my favorite podcast from Belle – the lighthouse one. I joined her 100 day jumpstart and the podcasts showing up every two days is the best! My intention will be: Sometimes days FEEL like this but remind yourself that today was a really GOOD day because you were sober.
Woke up Thursday morning to old boyfriend is now in a “relationship.” Of course he is, its been a couple days since we were through. Sooo…..(I’m totally stealing this line) I drank at him. Then my ex mother in law calls and explains that she comes to town every month & its too bad I don’t make her feel welcome and that’s why she hasn’t seen the kids in a year. So I drank at her. The ex hasn’t seen my 15 year old in a year and a half. (He lives down the street with his new family.) So I drank at him.
Friday was not good. Oh and I forgot 3 conversations with friends that I really felt I should talk to after 2 bottles of wine. Thanfully, they are friends and know I’m trying to quit drinking, and will just give me crap about it with love.
What did I learn this time? Drinking at someone is a waste of my energy. Taking my power back on Friday was much more productive and healing.
What reward did I miss? I bought wine instead of a BIG reward. I chose harming myself instead of kindness.
What if I had rewarded myself with a huge bouquet of flowers? I like that thought. The bigger the hurt the more flowers I get! It would help me define how ” big” the hurt is, and it would remind me that flowers and hurts are brightest & freshest & strongest smelling at first. With a weeks time the flowers fade & it will be a reminder that my pain will fade with time. Some parts of the pain fade sooner and other parts of the pain last longer. Pulling out the faded flowers & rearranging the brightest stems will remind me that I am different because of the pain, but I can lose a part of myself and still be beautiful and complete.
My new intention is: When I get hurt- treat myself with a proportionate amount of flowers.
First thing to go on a busy day is self-care. So frustrating! I couldn’t even get a good intention going, but I did buy a few treats for myself. Cinnamon raisin & english muffin bread with real butter, and café mocha coffee. My stomach is growling just writing about them.
One of the overwhelms of my life is getting absorbed by the details. At the store yesterday I thought – why am I buying bread when I can ( and I enjoy) baking my own, I mentally tally up the price and then worry about the plastic packaging going to the landfill and after that think of the extra calories! My kids see what they like, feel happiness & anticipation and toss it in the cart. They don’t over analyze or over buy. They don’t think if they deserve it.
I deserve a reward. That was my thought the whole way through drinking, it made me special. Things were happier & lighter, and that constant monologue in my head would quiet. So far, my rewards don’t do that. They are not a mind altering drug that will change me simply because it’s a drug. I have to give my rewards that power with intention.
So, in my best cinnamon raisin toast voice I tell myself – girlfriend you rocked the last few days not drinking! Your amazing! You deserve really wonderful toast. You are not everyday generic house brand white sandwich bread. Raisins & cinnamon reflect how unique & special you are. Bon appetit.
Barely made it through yesterday, day two, due to lots of commitments. I did not plan a reward because I couldn’t think of anything the day before. This is a horrible excuse! As I was scouring the kitchen I finally decided to have some lemonade. I made an intention & said ” This is my reward for getting through a busy day.” Sounds silly but it did actually help.
The reason I started this blog is simply to work on rewards. Being kind to myself is not something I do. I can remember the first time in 4th grade when a nurse made a comment about my weight and I became self- aware. I realized people were actually looking at me and judging me. Sheesh, its even painful to think about now!
Defining treats, using them as rewards and honoring myself with them is the mission for the blog. I hope to create a go-to list of ideas that I can pull up on a bad day ( or a glad day or a sad day and especially a sober day!) and add more love & meaning to my life.
*Update – got my go-to lists started & added it to the tabs above 🙂 Now I have a place to catalog my ideas.
My intention: quit drinking quietly & then never think or speak about alcohol again.
Answer from universe: Staying sober means doing a little work every day. Busy chaos equals depression. Zero & 10 are moments, level 5 is a good place.
These hours were the toughest!! Because I felt so crappy leaving the house was not an option. I tried napping. I tried reading. Nada. But I did spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. And angry. Angry that I’m sad. I haven’t felt sad since my divorce 9 years ago. Wine always worked to take away pain & sadness.
So – I got back in the shower at 4 and cried so no one could hear. I cried because I was sad. I didn’t drink. Pardon me if I’m not very excited about this. After 35 years of drinking this isn’t going to be fun.
Last week before the breakup, I bought myself some nail polish as a reward for not drinking. I decided I would get to use that reward again since I had to start over.
My reward for being sober didn’t end up being the nail polish. It ended up being a smile.
One thing I have added to my life recently is playing music while I shower. I love it. So I got in the shower with a Pandora Country station on, and sure enough both songs that play are sad love songs. I thought why not just sing my song “She’s crying in the shower and shaving her legs for no one since he broke up.” As I get out of the shower finally an upbeat song comes on. Great, the new one by Little Big Town “Day Drinking.” Sheesh – that’s what got me to this point yesterday when I started drinking wine at noon.
I put on my pj’s at 4:30 in the afternoon, closed the blinds and started painting my nails. I didn’t want to and it didn’t feel like a reward. I did however remember painting my nails while drinking wine. They would look so good – until the next day and there would be polish everywhere on my fingers & they would be all messed up from crawling drunkenly to bed with wet nails. So I said a little prayer of gratitude that I was not drinking today.
The reward for these awful 4 hours was simply a moment or two that I smiled and didn’t cry.
Only about an hour or so until I go to bed between 7 and 8. I’m exhausted, still feel sick & headachy. But in anticipation of making it through the day I have warm clean sheets to put on my bed. That feels like a lovely reward for Day One.
As soon as I finished the last post I dumped the wine. $16 down the drain – literally. It was a good thing too. I would be starting to sip away by now because I feel like crap. Checking in with myself HALT
Angry: yes, guy I’d been seeing for 3 months decided to end it.
Lonely – yes! see above
Tired – very, lack of good sleep from too much wine last night duh.
I rewarded myself with lunch and fixed the Hungry. I told myself as I sat down to eat that this was my reward for dumping the wine down the drain.
White Chili – Mrs. Grimes has a new bean. White Chili beans in Chili Sauce. They are good just right out of the can, but I added some chicken broth, green chilies, onion, garlic & let one corn tortilla dissolve in the soup to thicken it up.
Then I made myself eat at the dining room table & use a placemat. This was one of the tips from Marianne Williamson’s book – A Course in Weight Loss. I love that book.
Next goal: 4 more hours. Assessing my feelings between sad, mad or glad – I’m SAD. For the next 4 hours of not choosing to drink I want to read & take a nap. So SAD & TIRED needs to have a comforting reward.